The Denora

30 Days of Truth – Day 7

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for

When Jenn asked me to bowl on her team, but missed the first night, he went out of his way to be friendly and make me a part of the team.

When I flew back to Ohio for my paternal Grampa’s memorial, he spent the entire weekend texting me, trying to help me get through it (and we were just friends at the time).

When I fell down the stairs at his house, he wrapped my ankle up and lent me a pair of crutches. He also drove me to the hospital and waited by himself while I got x-rays.

When I had an emotional breakdown in his kitchen, he just held me while I cried, and then made me a grilled cheese sandwich. I fell in love with him that night.

When I told him he was a good kisser, he stuttered “Well, I am!”

When I was mad at him for falling asleep instead of helping me get the air mattress ready, he shouted “THE SALT MUST GO!” He was still asleep at the time. Two and a half years later, it still cracks me up.

When he drove 42 miles home after my maternal Grampa’s memorial and then realized my car keys were in his pocket, he jumped back in the car, and made the return trip to give them to me without a single complaint. He was already on his way back when I realized I didn’t have my keys.

When my mom and I got rerouted to an airport that was two hours away, he jumped in the car and picked us up and then drove us two hours back home.

When I lost my job, he told me he’d take care of me for however long it took me to find something else. The next day, he bought me daisies which I planted out in front of the house. They bloomed like crazy, and are by far my favorite piece of our landscape.

When I’d get deep into my depression, he’d let me vent or cry or whatever I needed to do. Then he’d tell me we’d figure it out together.

When I decided to learn how to cook, he bought me whatever I needed to do so, and volunteered to be my guinea pig for everything I wanted to try.

We’ve never gone to bed without him kissing me goodnight. He’s never left the house without kissing me goodbye. He’s my first thought when I wake up, and my last before I fall asleep. I don’t know where I’d be without him. I hope I never have to find out.

I love you, Donald. I’m just sayin’.

30 Days of Truth – Day 6

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

Wow. That just leaves things wide open, doesn’t it? Let’s see, I hope I never have to:

Do the dishes again. File a police report. Talk someone down from a ledge, literally. Return a shirt because it’s too small. Have another surgery. Declare bankruptcy. Live a minute without Donald. Beat an attacker with a bat. Run out of a burning building. Bury a child. Bury a parent. Watch the damn Yankees win the World Series again. Read a crappy book. Live near railroad tracks again. Do laundry. File for unemployment. Fight a war. Call Dell’s technical support. Rebuild a carburetor. Survive in the wild. Cry myself to sleep. Dodge a bullet. Buy bigger clothes. Speak in front of a crowd. Shimmy down a drainpipe. Watch Vanilla Sky again. Miss my friends. Move to Somalia. De-bone a duck. See my old high school German teacher. Be a witness to a murder. Lose someone I love. Experience a tornado. Be stuck in a blizzard. Listen to Tom Petty. Wake up before 8am. Live without chocolate. Be alone. Walk the plank. Skate on thin ice. Attend a funeral. Get bad news. Dance with the devil in the pale moonlight.

I think that covers it.

30 Days of Truth – Day 5

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life

Look! A happy topic! So much more light hearted than the past few days, thankfully.

I’ve already started a list of things I want to do in my lifetime, but those don’t nearly cover everything I want to do and be. I want to be Donald’s wife (no hesitation this time), and the mother of his kids. I want to be a great mom. I want to be my own boss, and maybe own a sports bar. I want to do a thousand things, but I’ll expand on one for today.

I hate to fly. I won’t get on a plane to go anywhere that I can easily drive to (Las Vegas, or Arizona for example). But I love to travel. I like visiting places and seeing different sights. I don’t need to hit all the historical landmarks every place I go, but I like seeing things that are different from where I was born and raised. Last year we went to Pittsburgh with our friends, and it was the best vacation I’ve ever been on. We had such a great time, and I honestly thing 90% of it was the people we were with. This year we’re going with Jeff & Jamey to Jamaica, and I cannot wait. They’re two of our best friends, and such a blast to be around. In my life, I hope to take many more vacations with them. I mentioned before that I always wanted the same kind of travel friends that my grandparents had, and I really hope they feel the same way (no pressure, though!). There are a ton of places I want to visit in my life, and I know Donald and I would have a great time together any place we go. But bringing along great friends can only make things more fun!

30 Days of Truth – Day 4

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

I’ve written this post four times tonight. I’ve deleted this post 3 times tonight. I can only think of one person in my life that I have to forgive. Only one person that I still hold a grudge on. But I can’t forgive him. I won’t forgive him.

I wrote about him a few months ago. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in years, and that’s fine by me. He made my life hell. He made me afraid to be in my own home. And as hard as I try to get past it, I still have a fear of vertical blinds.

So I won’t forgive him. He can go straight to hell as far as I’m concerned. I should be the bigger and better person here, I know it. But I’m not. He probably never thinks about me, but I think about him. Every time I see crooked blinds, every time I hear of a woman being stalked, every time I feel unsafe at home. I won’t forgive him for that.

30 Days of Truth – Day 3

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for

I didn’t want to get married after I got engaged to Jason. That’s the honest truth. I knew deep down inside that it was wrong, that it wouldn’t work out, that I was making a bad decision. But I kept trying to convince myself that it was just nerves, just cold feet that made me so hesitant. I wanted to be married, but as it turns out, I did not want to be married to him. It took just 3 months of marriage for me to finally admit that I’d been right to hesitate. We were married in June and by September, our marriage was irreparably damaged. Neither of us wanted to admit it, especially me. I refused to admit I’d made a mistake. That I’d failed at being a wife. It took two years for me to finally decide I couldn’t fake it anymore, and another 6 months for me to tell him that I was done.

I was a coward.

I was more afraid of what everyone else would say. I was afraid of what my parents would think if I called off the wedding. Of the money they’d spent on a wedding that I didn’t want. Of what my friends would say about me behind my back. I was afraid of being alone again. At no point did it occur to me that none of those things matter. My parents would love me no matter what. If my friends talked about me behind my back, then they shouldn’t be my friends anyhow. Being alone isn’t such a bad thing.

I was young, and insecure, and dumb. I should have accepted the getaway ride my sister (not so jokingly) offered instead of going through with a wedding I didn’t want. I should have known better.

I can’t say I’ve forgiven myself for it, but I’m trying. I’m learning to listen to my instincts, to be brave, and to stand up for myself.

I’m getting there.

30 Days of Truth – Day 2

Day 2: Something you love about yourself

I love my intelligence. I like that people can make obscure references about things, and I get them. I love that I enjoy reading, which just increases my intelligence and vocabulary. I love being the person people call when they have a question they can’t answer. That’s not to say that I know the answers to everything, but even if I don’t know it, I have a good idea of where to look.

I love my sense of humor. I love that I have a smart comment for nearly every situation (except for the time that the woman in front of us asked us to stop talking. At a hockey game. One of the few moments in my life where I was speechless. Quiet? At a hockey game?) I like that I get text messages from friends who are having a bad day wanting to hear something funny. I like being the one to cheer people up.

I’m sure I could list other things I love about me at another time, I just can’t think of anything right now.

30 Days of Truth – Day 1

One of my favorite bloggers started a 30 Days of Truth exercise that she stole from here and I loved the idea. I started thinking about what I’d write if I was doing it, and then I saw that one of my best friends (and the official other half of my brain) was taking up the challenge, so I decided to join her. For the nest 30 days, I’ll be writing based on the 30 Days of Truth prompts. I’m hoping this will get me back into the habit of blogging regularly, as I have very much missed the opportunity to do it. You’re welcome to read any or none of the entries!

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

This was a hard one for me, not because I hate a lot of things about myself, but because I don’t HATE anything. I dislike a lot about myself, but nothing is so awful that I’d say I hated it. So we’ll go with things I dislike about myself.

I don’t like my lack of self esteem. I’m really REALLY hard on myself about things that shouldn’t matter. I care far too much about what other people think, and I waste a lot of energy trying to pretend that I don’t. I want to be comfortable with who I am, I really do. I just haven’t figured out how to do that yet.

I don’t like my appearance. I’m WAY too white. Not like an attractive color, but sickly looking. (We took pictures last night during our new year’s eve party, and more than once I was referred to as pasty and or vampire-like. And I wonder why I have self esteem issues…) Being in the sun does nothing but make my face burn, so the only way I can fix this is to get some makeup that covers up the pasty white skin I’ve got going on. Except, I have no idea how to buy or wear makeup. Yay!

The thing I dislike the most is that I’m so overweight. It’s not like I’m not trying to lose weight either. I did the Jillian Michaels 14 Day Cleanse & Burn and after two weeks, I’d actually gained a pound. Seriously? I ate better, stayed away from cheeseburgers and fries, and took up to 5 pills a day and yet went in the opposite direction of my goal. Awesome. It’s something I’m constantly battling, and hopefully soon I’ll find something that actually works for me.

I know this is a downer subject to start the new year with, but it can only get better from here, right?

2010 – Year in Review

Hi! I’m here! I know it’s been almost 3 months since my last post, and no one is still reading this, but I wanted to wrap up this year for my own reference. I did the same in 2009 and 2008, and wanted to continue the tradition. I pledge to post more in 2011, as I suspect I’ll have more to post about!

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before? I started a new job in a new city and a new industry. So far, it’s great!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn’t make any last year, so I guess that means I didn’t break any! this year my only resolution is to post more often. I love reading my posts back later, and that’s awfully hard to do when there’s nothing there.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? A couple people I knew in high school had new kids, according to their Facebook profiles, but no one I’m really close to.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully, not this year.

5. What countries did you visit? Nowhere outside the US.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? A wedding, a pregnancy, a trip to Jamaica.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? September 23, the day I started my new job. Aside from that, nothing earth shattering happened.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting a freaking job, finally.

9. What was your biggest failure? My inability to keep the bad stuff from getting to me, and the resulting undeserved anger towards others.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing horrible. Just a cold or two.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I bought a bunch of baking equipment, which made me VERY happy (as well as the people who ate the fruits of my labor).

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Donald, again. He kept me from killing myself (sometimes literally), and supported me even when I didn’t deserve it. He’s just awesome.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Mine, actually. In retrospect I’m ashamed of how awful I was to myself during the time I was unemployed. I wish I could go back and tell myself that everything will turn out fine, but I know that I wouldn’t listen, even to myself.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills. Like that’ll ever change.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Booking our trip to Jamaica next year! I’ve literally been counting the days!

16. What song will always remind you of 2010? I can’t think of one for this year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier! Much, much happier!
b) thinner or fatter? I think I’m about the same as last year, though I can’t say for sure. I gained a ton of weight this year, and then managed to drop it again, so I’m probably right back where I started from.

c) richer or poorer? Richer, technically, since I now have a job. But I’m still catching up on some bills, so I’m probably more just even with last year.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Been happy for both myself and others

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Whined, and been so hard on myself

20. How did you spend Christmas? We went to my parent’s house in the morning, saw a movie mid-day and then went to Kathy & JG’s house for Donald’s family Christmas. It was a great day!

21. Did you fall in love in 2010? Constantly.

22. What was your favorite TV program? I’m totally in love with Modern Family, and I’m still digging on House and NCIS.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Nope! I dislike everyone equally!

24. What was the best book you read? Wow. Just one? I think House Rules was really great. I’m sure there were others, but I’m totally drawing a blank right now.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? I don’t really think I have one.

26. What did you want and get? A job! (Have I mentioned that yet?)

27. What did you want and not get? Lots of things, but nothing that I’m dwelling on. Much.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Toy Story 3 and Inception immediately come to mind.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 31 this year, and had dinner with Donald, my parents, sister, Grandma & Manny (Grandma’s caretaker and now part of our family) at my Grandma’s favorite restaurant (It’s her birthday too). A few days later Donald and I went to my current favorite restaurant with just my parents and sister, since it’s not wheelchair friendly and Grandma wouldn’t have enjoyed it.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Getting a job sooner rather than later would have been great, but honestly I’m glad I got one at all.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? I tried wearing some nicer shirts this year, and some jeans that fit a bit better.

32. What kept you sane? Donald and my fantastic friends.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I admired how Sandra Bullock went through a really terrible time in her life and handled it with grace and humor in public. It couldn’t have been easy for her.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? I was pretty pissy at how Congress handled (or mishandled) unemployment issues, but it didn’t inspire me to march on the capitol or anything.

35. Who did you miss? Heather, Kerry, Tony, Jenn and Duke. My closest friends who I rarely see.

36. Who was the best new person you met? I met a lot of great new people at work. They’re certainly the best part of working there.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010. You can do more than you think you can. You can take more than you think you can. You are smarter than you think you are.

Beat.

I am exhausted.

I’ve been working for a little over two weeks now, and I feel like I haven’t slept in 3 months. I had no idea that I would be this tired once I started working again. Granted, it’s worth it. I really love the company I’m working for. The people are a little crazy, but in a good way. I fit in completely. But at the end of the day I get home, and want to do nothing more than lie down and shut my eyes. Forever. I can barely scrape my body off the couch long enough to make dinner, or do laundry. I’ve mentally written 30 different blog posts, but just don’t have the energy to actually type them when I get home. My 5K training plans have completely collapsed. I’ll be walking the 5K this coming weekend, and I’ll be lucky if I make it the whole way through. I am a little disappointed in myself that I won’t be running, since I really wanted to do it, but honestly, I hardly have the energy to walk upstairs, let alone train for a 5K. Maybe next year.

(Speaking of this weekend, there’s still time to donate to the American Diabetes Association. I will still be participating and walking with all my people, and will happily accept any donation you can give. Thanks to those of you who have already donated!)

I spent all of today lying on the couch, trying to stay awake. I’ve not been feeling well lately, which I’m sure is more to do with being overly tired than me really being sick. And now, it’s time for me to finally succumb to my exhaustion. Good night!

Fantastic Friday!

Do you know why it’s fantastic, ladies and gentlemen? Because it is my second day of my new job.

Yes! I’m employed!

It took 13 months and 2 days for me to get back into the workforce, but I’m back with a vengeance and SO happy about it! I got the first call Tuesday morning, had my first interview Tuesday afternoon, my second interview Wednesday afternoon, an offer within an hour of me leaving the building, and my first day was less than 48 hours after getting that first call. It all went so fast, I think my head is still spinning! Although it’s been a long time since it’s been an issue, I’m still not going to do a whole lot of talking about my workplace on my blog. Suffice to say that I’m working 15 to 90 minutes from my house (dependent on traffic), and I’m working as a customer service rep for a company that makes stuff and things. Good luck figuring that out.

So yesterday was my first day, and I wanted to make a good impression. It’s a casual dress office (yay jeans to work!) but I wanted to look nice for my first day. I got up early, showered, did fancy things to my hair, and set off for work an hour before I needed to be there. It’s roughly 11 miles or so away, so I figured an hour should cover it.

Boy, was I wrong.

I had gone less than 5 miles in the first 65 minutes of me being in the car. I had to call my brand new boss and tell her I’d be late on my very first day. There was a huge accident involving a bus and several cars that shut down the freeway. Awesome. That’s how you make a first impression, folks. Show up 30 minutes late on your first day of work. It took me an hour and a half to go 11 miles. Thankfully, I have the greatest boss in the world, and she was completely kick back about it. Turns out, she had a similar problem the very first day at her new job years ago. I still felt awful, but no one there was the slightest bit upset about it. Fantastic!

I’m so excited to be working again. I think it’ll be challenging and fun, and way better than staying home feeling sorry for myself. I’d been pretty depressed as of late, and it wasn’t getting better. This job came out of the blue, and sounds perfect for me. I’m very happy to start this new journey!

The woman in line at Victoria's Secret in front of me is letting her 4 year old play in the sample makeup. I can't even. 2011-12-23
It's water, not acid rain y'all. DRIVE! 2011-12-16
The top 40 radio station here bleeps out the word "alcohol." Umm why? 2011-12-16
@vomviersen I am not allowed in The Container Store alone. My bank card cries every time. That place is the devil's playground. (I LOVE IT) in reply to vomviersen 2011-12-15
It's apparent from the public appearance of some people that mirrors are a luxury item. 2011-12-15
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