It’s taken me quite a while to come up with just 20 things to put on my list. What do you want to put on your list? Maybe we can trade ideas!

Mia spends 18 hours a day sleeping, it seems. She loves to crawl under any blanket available, and I usually leave one on the couch for her. She was under the covers and snuck out to watch me cook one afternoon. I guess I’m not an exciting cook, as she started falling asleep a few minutes later.

You bore me to sleep, Momma.

I guess next time I should let her sample the food. I bet that keeps her awake.

It’s different at night. The silence gives the doubts and fears and insecurities free reign, and boy do they take advantage.  Illogical stupid questions are not only considered, they snowball into monstrous ridiculous scenarios. What if I can’t find a job? What if I can’t pay my bills next month What if my unemployment runs out? What if I end up living in my car in a parking lot somewhere? What if I can never get out of debt? What if I never have a baby? What if I never live comfortably? What if I never lose this weight? What if he gets tired of me and leaves? What if? What if? What if? Those are just some of the things that go through my head at night. Sometimes it’s worse. But it’s always so very hard to deal with.

The thing is, I know things will be ok. They suck right now, but they’ll get better. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next month, but eventually it’ll be ok.  I just need to figure out how to get through the now. How to fight the feelings that make me feel like I’m drowning. Or that cause me to cry at night when I’m trying desperately, so desperately, to fall asleep.  If I can get it under control, the anxiety attacks will go away. I’ll be able to sleep through the night again. I’ll be a happy person again.

Admitting there’s a problem is the first step, right?

I had one of these moments last week, as I was sitting at dinner with 5 of my closest friends. I looked around at my friends and realized how much I love all of them, and how lucky I am to have them. And not just them, but the friends I have that weren’t with us that night. Cheesy? Yeah, maybe. True? Absolutely. Each one of them is special in their own way.

I have a friend I have known since junior high, that I don’t speak with often enough,  but I know she’s just a phone call away whenever I need her.

I have a friend with whom I share a brain, even though she lives several states away. When I was laid off, she was my first phone call. Her anger on my behalf was enough to snap me back into reality and help me focus on figuring out the next step.

I have a friend who makes giant poster thank you cards, for simple things like being the designated driver. I can text her a basic question, and end up dumping a whole bunch of my crazy irrationality on her, and she thinks nothing of it.

I have a friend who can be heard for miles. Giving him a high five will bruise your hand for a week. But he’s one of the most fun, honest and caring guys I’ve ever known. (Also, he loves his wife more than any man I’ve ever met, which is awesome in and of itself).

I have a friend who I’ve never met in person, but who will send me a box of books that she thinks I’ll like, simply because she feels like it.

I have a friend who convinced me to drive 35 miles away (almost 2 hours with traffic!) to bowl with her. She’s the one who eventually introduced me to Donald, and for that I can never thank her enough.

I have friends who moved to Arizona a few years ago, and who I miss terribly. They always have a place for me to stay any time I want to come visit.

I have friends who are the parents of Donald’s nieces and nephews. I am so lucky that I actually like all 4 of them, not only because they’re his family, but because they’re just really great people.

I have friends both online and in person, in California, and scattered across the globe. I have friends I see once a year and that I see once a week. Every single one of them means a lot to me. I just thought they should know.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Moved into my own house with Donald, Filed for unemployment

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  I never make resolutions for the new year. If I want to change something, I start right away. I never wait until January 1.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes! Donald’s sister had the cutest boy ever in March!  I love that kid!

4. Did anyone close to you die? My grandfather in May

5. What countries did you visit? I visited the other side of the US. That’s as international as I got.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? A wedding, a pregnancy, a job. Not necessarily in that order.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? May 3, the day my Grampa died. July 2, the day I got a brick as a gift. October 22-26, my first NFL football game and the best vacation I’ve ever had!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Learning to cook, and not poisoning anyone in the process.

9. What was your biggest failure? My lack of getting a new job after my old one let me go.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I was sick a bit, but nothing serious.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My Sketchers Shape Ups! They’re awesome and I love love LOVE them.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Donald, hands down. When I had a meltdown after I was laid off, he was more supportive and wonderful than I deserved. I don’t think I would have made it without him.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Like last year, not something I can talk about here.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills. Again.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Learning to cook, and our trip to Pittsburgh (which I totally forgot to post about)

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? Alright by Darius Rucker.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Honestly, probably sadder, but I’m working on that.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner!

c) richer or poorer? Poorer. Lack of a job will do that to ya.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Saved money

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Stressed about things I cannot control.

20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve I spent with Donald’s family, watching his hilarious nieces and nephews. Christmas day we went to my parent’s house for gifts and stockings, then to see Sherlock Holmes, and back to my parents for dinner.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Every single day.

22. What was your favorite TV program? I love NCIS and House, and I discovered the magic of the Penguins of Madagascar. If you’ve not seen it yet, you should watch an episode or 4. It’s great.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don’t hate anyone. I dislike people strongly, but I rarely use “hate” to describe how I feel.

24. What was the best book you read? I didn’t read as much this year as I have in the past, which is odd since I had so much more free time. I can’t think of any book that stands out.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? I don’t really think I have one.

26. What did you want and get? A house that I absolutely love!

27. What did you want and not get? A winning lottery ticket

28. What was your favorite film of this year? The Hangover, The Proposal, The Blind Side, Julie & Julia.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 30 this year! I went with my friends to dinner the night before, and did the family dinner the night of my birthday.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Karma taking it’s toll, but I can wait for that.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? Pretty much the same as I’d describe it since 1993. Jeans and T-shirt/Tank Top/Sweatshirt

32. What kept you sane? Donald and my fantastic friends.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I can’t really think of anyone who sparked my interest this year.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? I was a little too busy being selfish and focusing on my own life this year to pay attention to politics.

35. Who did you miss? Heather, Kerry, Tony & Jenn. The closest friends I have that don’t live near me.

36. Who was the best new person you met? I became closer with a lot of my friends this year, which I think is better than meeting new people.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. You can only control so much. The rest you just have to roll with.

Speaking of food, I just received my new super wonderful food processor today! It made me incredibly happy. Like WAY more happy than a small kitchen appliance should.  I have at least 10 different recipes marked and ready to try with it. I am really enjoying this cooking binge that I’ve been on lately. Some things have worked out quite nicely (Cheesy Garlic Bread! Yum!), and others have bombed fantastically (a batch of mashed potatoes that were lumpy and bleh). But overall it’s been a success. So successful, in fact, that I’ve been cooking for other people. Yes, you read that right. OTHER PEOPLE. As in people that do not live with me and are not related to me in any way.  My sister and I have a standing weekly(ish) date where we meet for dinner and then play on the Wii. We used to take turns going to each others houses, but since I’ve started cooking, she’s been coming out here every week. The first couple of weeks it was simply a main dish eaten while sitting on the couch. But then she started inviting a friend of hers to join us for dinner, and that is where the OTHER PEOPLE part comes in. With Jen and Donald, I wasn’t as nervous about how things turned out, because I knew both of them would be honest about it if it sucked. There would be no platitudes, and if it was truly horrible, we could just drive over to Jack in the Box or Del Taco and pick something up. But when OP started coming, I had to make sure things were better than just tolerable. And, with the exception of the aforementioned mashed potato fiasco, things haven’t been that bad. Of course, OP is probably just trying not to gag on the food as it’s consumed, but at least it’s being eaten!

I had this brilliant idea the other day that I would invite my mom, dad, and sister to dinner around Christmas. It will be the first time I have:

• Ever had people over for a dinner where we use the dining room table, instead of the couch.
• Ever hosted a holiday at my house (meal aside)
• Ever cooked a full meal (main dish AND side dishes, etc) all by myself.

People, I am terrified. I realize it’s 3 weeks away and I have plenty of time to prepare, but I am already SO nervous about it. I don’t know what to make, or how to make it all be done at the same time. I want to impress my parents with my recently acquired skills, but I’m afraid that my nerves will have me second guessing myself and ruining the food.  Any suggestions on what I should make, (preferably idiot proof items, so I don’t force people to hit up Jack in the Box) or how to get it all done at the same time? Anyone want to come cook it for me?

I, like every other sports fan I know, have quite a few athletes or teams that I dislike irrationally. The Yankees, for instance. I have no real reason not to like them, but I cannot stand them. To the point that I will not touch their logo, if I can possibly help it. Illogical? Yep. So when my desk was COVERED in Yankee gear by a coworker who thought he was funny, I freaked the hell out, and refused to work at my desk until someone had removed everything. I hate the Yankees.

Some other athletes I can’t stand, and the irrational reason why:

Brett Favre – Retire already. You screwed over a team who loved you for years and years, just to bounce around from team to team, landing at the rivals of the organization that you found your fame with. Please just retire now, so you can be in the HOF and be remembered for being a great player, not the ass who can’t decide whether or not to retire.

Michael Vick – I don’t think I need to explain why I hate you. I also hate the Eagles for hiring you, even if it is for a backup position. You went to jail, therefore should no longer be allowed to play professional sports. End of story.

Eli Manning – You make dirt look intelligent. I cannot stand your postgame interviews, as you make my IQ drop with every word you utter. It amazes me that you and Peyton are so frigging different. Are you adopted?

Alex Rodriguez – You’re a cheater. You should not be allowed to play anymore. The fact that you were never punished for your cheating just makes me hate you more.

Manny Ramirez – You’re a cheater. You should not be allowed to play anymore. The fact that you were punished for your cheating does not make me hate you less.

Francisco Rodriguez – You were a great player when you came out in 2002. You helped us win the World Series. Off the mound, you’re a jerk. You’ll sign baseballs and pictures for the Hispanic kids who ask you, but completely ignore any other kid.

Steve Nash – You might be a great basketball player, but PLEASE get a a haircut that makes you look good. When you play you look like you haven’t showered in a month. It’s disgusting. (Please note: Shawn Germain of my beloved Ontario Reign had the same problem last year. This year he cut his hair and he is HOT. It worked!)

Scott Schoenweis – Whiny little bitch. You complained because the Angel management wouldn’t make you a starter. You bad mouthed your team to the press, so they sent you to Chicago to play with those idiots. You’re one of two traded players that I can recall being booed when you came back to Angel Stadium.

AJ Pierzynski – Speaking of Chicago idiots, hello the king of them! As I learned yesterday, not only are you hated around the league by fans and players alike, you’re hated in your own town! Maybe you should be less of an ass both on and off the field.

Sean Avery – You’re just a jerk. A dirty player on the ice, and a big mouth off of it. I didn’t like you when you played for my Kings, and I don’t like you now.

If I sit and think about it long enough, I could probably come up with a bunch more. But it’s time to move on to more positive things. Like searching for new recipes to try! Or sitting on the couch watching an NCIS marathon. Whichever.

- I was driving home after running errands today, and since it was still nice outside, I had my window open. I was stopped at a light when I heard a strange noise. I looked over and there’s a 60+ year old man riding a bike and singing Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl” at the top of his lungs. It was too dark to tell if he had an mp3 player that he was accompanying, or if he was just singing by memory. I hope he was as entertained with himself as I was with him.

- For those of you in the colder regions of the country, I thought you’d like to know that the weather here has been the same as it was in July. Meaning 80’s-90’s during the day, and absolutely beautiful out. Apparently no one told California that’s it’s freaking November already.

- Speaking of November, I’m taking an informal poll: When is the appropriate time to put up holiday decorations? (specifically the holidays of Hanukkah or Christmas, as they’re the most popular for decorating) I’m of the opinion that the day after Thanksgiving is the absolute earliest that decor should appear, and really I’d be happier if people waited until December 1st.  My next door neighbors already have a wreath on the house above their garage and a big MERRY CHRISTMAS sign in lights in the front window. Both have been up since the 6th. This displeases me. It is the only house in our entire community that has decorations up already.  I’m hoping they just had a free moment and popped up the only decorations they had, but sadly I think this could be quite the National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation disaster house.

- Now, Christmas music. December 15th is a fine time to start the carols, don’t you agree? 10 full days of Christmas music should be plenty enough for anyone. Even the full month of December should be satisfactory to hardcore Christmas lovers. So explain to me why on November 10th, Michael’s had Christmas music playing (LOUDLY) throughout their store? I honestly walked in, heard the music, and walked right back out again. Just because of the music. It’s just too early.

- If you’re a friend of mine on Facebook, you might have seen a comment I made about my new shoes. I saved for and bought some Sketchers Shape-Ups and I LOVE LOVE LOVE them. They’re extremely comfortable and I immediately felt them pushing my calves to work a little harder. They felt weird at first, almost like I was walking on sand, but now I’m totally used to it. I wear them everywhere, and I find myself wanting to walk more, rather than be lazy. I park further away from the store I’m visiting, I take the long way to the mailbox (which is significant, since the mailbox is 50 feet from my house, and I’m instead walking over half a mile to get there), and I even wear them while at home, rather than scooting around the house in socks. I’ve already lost weight (not just from the shoes, but they’re helping) and I’m completely inspired to keep working out!

Jezzi

I was a sophomore in high school when I found her. I was visiting a friend in the housing tract across from ours, when we saw her wandering around the street. Knowing who her owners were, we took her back to them, thinking maybe she’d escaped on accident.

“We don’t want her” they told us.  At around 8 weeks old, they just put her out and didn’t think twice about it.

I took her home to my parents house and asked if I could keep her. They begrudgingly said yes, after I promised to clean up after her and feed her all by myself. That lasted a month, but I never stopped loving her.

When I left for college, she stayed with my parents. When I moved back up to the area, I was always in a place that didn’t allow dogs, so she could never come live with me. By that time she was more my parent’s dog than mine anyway.

The past year has been rough on her. She lost a lot of weight rather rapidly, as a result of the Leukemia that invaded her body. I saw her a little over a week ago, and she still looked happy to see me. She always pushed her head under your hand so you could pet her, and last week was no exception. The only difference was how skinny she was.

My sister came over tonight and told me that Jezzi wasn’t coming to the door when they came home anymore, and that her energy was non-existent. My mom called me a few hours later and told me they were putting her to sleep.  That she wouldn’t make it through the night.  I knew it was coming, so I managed not to break into tears. I held it together until my sister and her friend went home, and then I lost it.

She was a great dog, and I’ll miss her.

I love you, Jezzi.