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Last summer Donald and I planted 4 Hydrangea bushes in the planter that we fixed up. They were blue and white and beautiful (though I completely forgot to take pictures to prove it) and then they were dead. In less than 3 weeks. I know squat about gardening, and as it turns out, mid-summer is not the greatest time to plant anything. Flowers and plants don’t like the 90-100 degree heat that I hardly notice. Oops.
I was too lazy to remove the dead plants, and just kept putting it off until spring, when I planned on putting in something new. And then suddenly I looked out back, and saw this:
Click the pictures for a close up view
They grew back! In full force! With flowers and everything! I cannot tell you how astonished I was.
The moral of the story is: Be lazy and your garden will flourish. Or something.
I turn 31 today, which for some reason is scarier to me than when I turned 30. I’m not sure why it’s scary, but it is. (95% of my friends are older than me, and they’re probably all scoffing while reading this, but you know you felt this way too once upon a time!)I know things don’t always work out the way you plan (Hello! My job!), but I still feel like I’m behind in the grand scheme of life. I’m 31 and have no kids, no job, and no house (technically, since we’re just renting). I know it’s not a competition or a race, but it still feels like I’m missing out.
The funny part is that despite the fact that I feel like I’m behind, and that I’m unemployed, I have never been happier. I have awesome friends and family, and an amazing man who loves me more than I ever thought anyone could. I have the time to do the things I want to do, like learning to cook, planting flowers, and line dancing. I am just plain happy.
I was taking a FREE line dancing class at a nearby senior center every Monday for the past month and a half. A little over a week ago I got an e-mail from the instructor informing me that someone had actually complained that I was not old enough to be in the class, and therefore I was not allowed to come back. Apparently, you need to be 50 to enter the senior center. (Might I point out that 50 isn’t even technically a senior citizen? Oh, sorry. Logic need not apply here.) I was angry at first, because it’s just a stupid rule. If the class was full, and I was taking a spot from an actual senior, then I might understand it a little. But the class isn’t even half full, and while I’m a large woman, I’m not so big that I take up more than my share of space. I wonder if it were a fee-based class would I still be kicked out? In that case I’d be providing money to the center, so I’m actually helping them, rather than using up their precious air for free. Now, I think it’s funny. I got kicked out of a line dance class because I’m not old enough. At 31.
I have years and years to buy a house, find a job, and have kids. I need to keep reminding myself of that. Because while I feel like I’m getting old, I guess I’m still not old enough for some things.
Watching the Kings vs. Canucks game
Me: Wow. There are a lot of Vancouver fans there tonight.
Donald: That’s because they’re playing in Vancouver.
Me: Oh…
Donald: You’re so pretty.
Sometimes I amaze even myself.
Looking for a job is hell on your self-esteem. Between the unanswered applications, the lack of return calls, and the flat out rejection letters, it’s hard to stay upbeat and keep plugging away at it. I spend a lot of time on the edge of depression, trying to keep myself from losing my grip and plunging down. It sucks, but I’m managing.
The plus side of being unemployed:
- I got to watch a ton more Olympic coverage than I would have if I’d been working. (Granted, all the good stuff was on from 8-midnight, but at least I didn’t have to worry about staying up late and getting up early.)
- I get to spend hours online planning my new garden, and picking out which flowers will go where.
- I got to spend 4 days at a Line Dance Rally with my Grandma, who’s visiting from Ohio.
- I can avoid the after work rush at the stores because I can shop during the day.
- I can make complicated (for me) dinners from scratch.
- I can spend time with my sister when she comes for her weekly dinner.
- I can start my summer tan early, especially since it’s been so nice out lately.
I’m sure if I were working right now, I could think of 20 more things that I wish I could be doing. So, what do you working people wish you could be doing right now?
My Grandma and Grampa have an RV that they leave out here in California, and when they came out to visit, they’d stay for a two month stretch. It was always in March and April, and it always coincided with the Wilderness Line Dance Rally. It’s been a favorite event of my Grandma’s for years, and I’ve always wanted to go, but had to work. This is the first year she’s been able to come out since Grampa died, and since I’m still not working, I was able to go with her.
It’s held at the Wilderness Lakes RV Park, and consists of mostly retirees as the coordinators and participants. I was the youngest there by at least 20 years. It was 4 days of instruction and practice, combined with some social hours, and potluck dinners. They taught 2 or 3 dances every hour from 9 to noon, and then another 2 dances from 2-3. A group review was held from 3-5 to go over all the dances taught that day.
Let me tell you, those little old men and ladies kicked my young ass.
I was so exhausted by lunch on Monday that I had to take a cat nap before hitting the afternoon class. When I got home after the review (the RV park is about 40 minutes from me, so I commuted instead of staying with my Grandma), I passed out and took a three hour nap. And that was just the first day.
I managed to get through the next 3 days without napping, but not without pain. My calves and thighs and feet were screaming every day. I thought that I’d be able to handle it. I mean it’s line dancing, right? How hard can it be? Well, friends, it’s hard when you’re doing nothing but dancing for 6 hours a day, and are much more accustomed to a 30 minute treadmill stint, followed by 8 hours on the couch.
Despite all of the pain, I had an absolute blast all week. It was great spending time with my Grandma, and everyone there was incredibly nice and friendly. By Tuesday I’d met at LEAST 15 people who wanted me to come to classes with them, or who wanted me to talk to someone or another about finding a class in my area. I went into the week knowing 2 very basic line dances, and nothing else. People kept asking me how long I’d been dancing, or what classes I was taking, and were stunned when I said I didn’t dance. I just have a knack for it, I guess, since I picked up a lot of the harder dances without much trouble. (This amuses me greatly, as I’m known for tripping over my own feet while walking on a flat surface, and yet I had no problem doing complicated steps and turns.)
The best part, I think, was that it wasn’t just “Country” line dancing. We learned dances to songs by Elvis, Jason Mraz, Diana Ross & The Supremes, Manhattan Transfer, The Beatles, Andrea Boccelli, as well as a couple songs in Dutch and Spanish, and a slow version of Prince’s “Little Red Corvette” (performed by Mike Zito). The variety was great, and the teachers were phenomenal. If you had trouble on a particular move, they’d go over and over it until you got it. If you cornered them in the restroom with a question on a particular dance and where you were getting something wrong (which I may or may not have done), they were happy to help you right then and there. Even the other participants were awesome. I’d never taken a formal line dancing class before, so I had no idea what they meant when they said a “coaster step” or a “rocking chair” and now I can do those moves in my sleep, thanks to the people around me giving me a little extra help.
Since I still have a lot of free time to kill, I’m going to start taking line dance classes during the day. It’s great exercise, and while I might be the youngest by far, it’s still a ton of fun. And next year at the rally I won’t be the new girl who doesn’t know her shuffle steps from her step locks. I’ll just be one of the crowd.
During the day is easiest. To laugh, to smile, to pretend everything is ok. There’s job searching to do, meals to create, hockey games to go to, and chores to be done. Distractions are plentiful, and logic is fully intact. Ridiculous ideas are seen exactly for what they are. Jealousy is kept in check. Hope, optimism, and happiness prevail over the dark thoughts that try and break through.
It’s different at night. The silence gives the doubts and fears and insecurities free reign, and boy do they take advantage. Illogical stupid questions are not only considered, they snowball into monstrous ridiculous scenarios. What if I can’t find a job? What if I can’t pay my bills next month What if my unemployment runs out? What if I end up living in my car in a parking lot somewhere? What if I can never get out of debt? What if I never have a baby? What if I never live comfortably? What if I never lose this weight? What if he gets tired of me and leaves? What if? What if? What if? Those are just some of the things that go through my head at night. Sometimes it’s worse. But it’s always so very hard to deal with.
The thing is, I know things will be ok. They suck right now, but they’ll get better. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next month, but eventually it’ll be ok. I just need to figure out how to get through the now. How to fight the feelings that make me feel like I’m drowning. Or that cause me to cry at night when I’m trying desperately, so desperately, to fall asleep. If I can get it under control, the anxiety attacks will go away. I’ll be able to sleep through the night again. I’ll be a happy person again.
Admitting there’s a problem is the first step, right?
Have you ever had an one of those moments where the cheesiest, most obvious thought pops into your head, and you really feel like you’re starring in your own movie? I like to call them Lifetime Movie Moments. Because sometimes you’re just sitting there and it hits you, and the music should swell, and then the camera should fade to black and roll credits. You ever get that?
I had one of these moments last week, as I was sitting at dinner with 5 of my closest friends. I looked around at my friends and realized how much I love all of them, and how lucky I am to have them. And not just them, but the friends I have that weren’t with us that night. Cheesy? Yeah, maybe. True? Absolutely. Each one of them is special in their own way.
I have a friend I have known since junior high, that I don’t speak with often enough, but I know she’s just a phone call away whenever I need her.
I have a friend with whom I share a brain, even though she lives several states away. When I was laid off, she was my first phone call. Her anger on my behalf was enough to snap me back into reality and help me focus on figuring out the next step.
I have a friend who makes giant poster thank you cards, for simple things like being the designated driver. I can text her a basic question, and end up dumping a whole bunch of my crazy irrationality on her, and she thinks nothing of it.
I have a friend who can be heard for miles. Giving him a high five will bruise your hand for a week. But he’s one of the most fun, honest and caring guys I’ve ever known. (Also, he loves his wife more than any man I’ve ever met, which is awesome in and of itself).
I have a friend who I’ve never met in person, but who will send me a box of books that she thinks I’ll like, simply because she feels like it.
I have a friend who convinced me to drive 35 miles away (almost 2 hours with traffic!) to bowl with her. She’s the one who eventually introduced me to Donald, and for that I can never thank her enough.
I have friends who moved to Arizona a few years ago, and who I miss terribly. They always have a place for me to stay any time I want to come visit.
I have friends who are the parents of Donald’s nieces and nephews. I am so lucky that I actually like all 4 of them, not only because they’re his family, but because they’re just really great people.
I have friends both online and in person, in California, and scattered across the globe. I have friends I see once a year and that I see once a week. Every single one of them means a lot to me. I just thought they should know.
I have to say 2009 was not one of my favorite years, and I’m not sorry to see it go. Last year I summed it up with a survey, and for comparison’s sake I decided to do it again this year.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Moved into my own house with Donald, Filed for unemployment
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I never make resolutions for the new year. If I want to change something, I start right away. I never wait until January 1.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes! Donald’s sister had the cutest boy ever in March! I love that kid!
4. Did anyone close to you die? My grandfather in May
5. What countries did you visit? I visited the other side of the US. That’s as international as I got.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? A wedding, a pregnancy, a job. Not necessarily in that order.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? May 3, the day my Grampa died. July 2, the day I got a brick as a gift. October 22-26, my first NFL football game and the best vacation I’ve ever had!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Learning to cook, and not poisoning anyone in the process.
9. What was your biggest failure? My lack of getting a new job after my old one let me go.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I was sick a bit, but nothing serious.
11. What was the best thing you bought? My Sketchers Shape Ups! They’re awesome and I love love LOVE them.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Donald, hands down. When I had a meltdown after I was laid off, he was more supportive and wonderful than I deserved. I don’t think I would have made it without him.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Like last year, not something I can talk about here.
14. Where did most of your money go? Bills. Again.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Learning to cook, and our trip to Pittsburgh (which I totally forgot to post about)
16. What song will always remind you of 2009? Alright by Darius Rucker.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Honestly, probably sadder, but I’m working on that.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner!
c) richer or poorer? Poorer. Lack of a job will do that to ya.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Saved money
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Stressed about things I cannot control.
20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve I spent with Donald’s family, watching his hilarious nieces and nephews. Christmas day we went to my parent’s house for gifts and stockings, then to see Sherlock Holmes, and back to my parents for dinner.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Every single day.
22. What was your favorite TV program? I love NCIS and House, and I discovered the magic of the Penguins of Madagascar. If you’ve not seen it yet, you should watch an episode or 4. It’s great.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don’t hate anyone. I dislike people strongly, but I rarely use “hate” to describe how I feel.
24. What was the best book you read? I didn’t read as much this year as I have in the past, which is odd since I had so much more free time. I can’t think of any book that stands out.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? I don’t really think I have one.
26. What did you want and get? A house that I absolutely love!
27. What did you want and not get? A winning lottery ticket
28. What was your favorite film of this year? The Hangover, The Proposal, The Blind Side, Julie & Julia.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 30 this year! I went with my friends to dinner the night before, and did the family dinner the night of my birthday.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Karma taking it’s toll, but I can wait for that.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? Pretty much the same as I’d describe it since 1993. Jeans and T-shirt/Tank Top/Sweatshirt
32. What kept you sane? Donald and my fantastic friends.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I can’t really think of anyone who sparked my interest this year.
34. What political issue stirred you the most? I was a little too busy being selfish and focusing on my own life this year to pay attention to politics.
35. Who did you miss? Heather, Kerry, Tony & Jenn. The closest friends I have that don’t live near me.
36. Who was the best new person you met? I became closer with a lot of my friends this year, which I think is better than meeting new people.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. You can only control so much. The rest you just have to roll with.
A smattering of things I wanted to share but are too short for their own posts:
- I was driving home after running errands today, and since it was still nice outside, I had my window open. I was stopped at a light when I heard a strange noise. I looked over and there’s a 60+ year old man riding a bike and singing Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl” at the top of his lungs. It was too dark to tell if he had an mp3 player that he was accompanying, or if he was just singing by memory. I hope he was as entertained with himself as I was with him.
- For those of you in the colder regions of the country, I thought you’d like to know that the weather here has been the same as it was in July. Meaning 80′s-90′s during the day, and absolutely beautiful out. Apparently no one told California that’s it’s freaking November already.
- Speaking of November, I’m taking an informal poll: When is the appropriate time to put up holiday decorations? (specifically the holidays of Hanukkah or Christmas, as they’re the most popular for decorating) I’m of the opinion that the day after Thanksgiving is the absolute earliest that decor should appear, and really I’d be happier if people waited until December 1st. My next door neighbors already have a wreath on the house above their garage and a big MERRY CHRISTMAS sign in lights in the front window. Both have been up since the 6th. This displeases me. It is the only house in our entire community that has decorations up already. I’m hoping they just had a free moment and popped up the only decorations they had, but sadly I think this could be quite the National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation disaster house.
- Now, Christmas music. December 15th is a fine time to start the carols, don’t you agree? 10 full days of Christmas music should be plenty enough for anyone. Even the full month of December should be satisfactory to hardcore Christmas lovers. So explain to me why on November 10th, Michael’s had Christmas music playing (LOUDLY) throughout their store? I honestly walked in, heard the music, and walked right back out again. Just because of the music. It’s just too early.
- If you’re a friend of mine on Facebook, you might have seen a comment I made about my new shoes. I saved for and bought some Sketchers Shape-Ups and I LOVE LOVE LOVE them. They’re extremely comfortable and I immediately felt them pushing my calves to work a little harder. They felt weird at first, almost like I was walking on sand, but now I’m totally used to it. I wear them everywhere, and I find myself wanting to walk more, rather than be lazy. I park further away from the store I’m visiting, I take the long way to the mailbox (which is significant, since the mailbox is 50 feet from my house, and I’m instead walking over half a mile to get there), and I even wear them while at home, rather than scooting around the house in socks. I’ve already lost weight (not just from the shoes, but they’re helping) and I’m completely inspired to keep working out!
 Jezzi I was a sophomore in high school when I found her. I was visiting a friend in the housing tract across from ours, when we saw her wandering around the street. Knowing who her owners were, we took her back to them, thinking maybe she’d escaped on accident.
“We don’t want her” they told us. At around 8 weeks old, they just put her out and didn’t think twice about it.
I took her home to my parents house and asked if I could keep her. They begrudgingly said yes, after I promised to clean up after her and feed her all by myself. That lasted a month, but I never stopped loving her.
When I left for college, she stayed with my parents. When I moved back up to the area, I was always in a place that didn’t allow dogs, so she could never come live with me. By that time she was more my parent’s dog than mine anyway.
The past year has been rough on her. She lost a lot of weight rather rapidly, as a result of the Leukemia that invaded her body. I saw her a little over a week ago, and she still looked happy to see me. She always pushed her head under your hand so you could pet her, and last week was no exception. The only difference was how skinny she was.
My sister came over tonight and told me that Jezzi wasn’t coming to the door when they came home anymore, and that her energy was non-existent. My mom called me a few hours later and told me they were putting her to sleep. That she wouldn’t make it through the night. I knew it was coming, so I managed not to break into tears. I held it together until my sister and her friend went home, and then I lost it.
She was a great dog, and I’ll miss her.
I love you, Jezzi.
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