After years of unhappiness, and a period of separation, Jason and I have finally decided to get a divorce. Sadly, it’s been a long time coming, but we both feel that this is the best thing for us. We are simply in two very different places in our lives and feel that we each need something that the other is not able to provide us.
I’m excited to be moving on with my life. After living in a cloak of denial and rationalizations for a long time, it’ll be good for me to be on my own. I’m already expanding my circle of friends, and trying new things. I feel so much better about life, and it totally shows. My coworkers constantly comment on my improved attitude and disposition. (As I wrote that, we had a 5.8 earthquake hit us. Apparently I’m pissing off the people in hell with my heavenly attitude 
) I’m just a happier person now!
I’ll be posting more often now that I’ve got that out in the open. For a while I felt like it was something I couldn’t talk about until things were settled, and now I’m ok with sharing. Instead of viewing this as an end, I’m looking at it as a beginning to the rest of my life!
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Last Monday (the 31st) I tried going back to work. I made it about 2 hours before I had to go back home. The drive to work was excruciating (the seat belt nearly killed me), and then the bending, standing, sitting, standing, walking, sitting, standing routine was more than I could take. I was in a lot of pain when I got back into the car to go home. Then some idiot decides that he doesn’t actually want to exit the freeway even though he’s in the exit lane, so he swerves in front of me, causing me to slam on my brakes, and the seat belt to yank on my stomach. Oh my hell, the PAIN. I had to pull on to the shoulder because I was crying so hard. It was awful. I went home and just laid on the couch for the rest of the day. This past Monday I tried going to work again, with much better luck. Driving is still uncomfortable, but tolerable. And the difference in the amount of pain between last week and this week is amazing. Last week sitting and standing was still hurting me. This week I can sit and stand and sit and stand repeatedly before it even starts to bother me. Sitting for long periods of time hurts a little, since the swelling in my lower abdomen pushes on the incision, but it’s nothing that I can’t handle. The worst post-surgery effect I’m having is my lack of energy. I’m so freaking tired all the time. And yet, as I mentioned, I am having trouble sleeping. Yesterday I left work about 4:45 because I was starting to nod off at my desk. I came home and planned to take a 1 hour nap (so as not to disrupt my already precarious sleep schedule). I set my alarm and promptly fell asleep. And proceeded to sleep right through the alarm for another 45 minutes. So when I went to bed last night, I couldn’t fall asleep. I took a pill about 3am, and that made me fall asleep (even a I cursed myself for needing the pill). Today was a little better. I felt sleepy around 2pm, but managed to stay at work until 6 (even though I was laying on the couch at work reading for the last half hour, while the computers did their updating). But then I came home, showered, and fell asleep again. So I guess my problem is not so much NOT sleeping, but not sleeping when I should be sleeping, and sleeping when I shouldn’t be. (For the record, that made perfect sense in my head). Jas called tonight and I got to chat with him for a while. I’m hoping the contact will settle me enough to where I can sleep pill free tonight. I don’t miss him as much as I thought I would (I’ll qualify that in a second), but it was really nice to get to talk to him for a while, and not just be connected by text messages. I love Jas, but sometimes we just need a break from each other, and this yearly trip of his is the perfect time for that. I like coming home to a quiet and clean house. I like being able to read my book, and not have someone turn on the television in the same room (when there’s a perfectly good TV in the other room that no one is sitting in). I like watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 without someone constantly complaining about what a bitch she is, therefore drowning out the show. I like watching Big Brother and not getting mocked about my horrible choice of reality TV. I like not being upset that the person who has only works 4 hours that day hasn’t bothered to take out the trash, but has in fact left that, the laundry, the dishes, and various other chores to the person who works 10+ hours a day. This break from each other is like a relationship reboot. It gives us both time to appreciate the good things about each other. I’ve complained on multiple occasions about Jason’s sleeping habits. He flips, he flops, he snores badly, he takes up 80% of the bed, he hits me in the face (unknowingly, of course). Sleeping next to him can be quite the unpleasant experience sometimes. So you’d think I’d be able to sleep like a rock when he’s not there to hit or push or snore in my ear, right? Ummm. No. Jas left for Washington D.C. on Thursday night, and I haven’t had a solid night of sleep since. Thursday night I fell asleep around midnight, but woke up at 1, 2:10, 3, 4:45, 7:30, and finally got out of bed at 8. Friday night was much worse. I couldn’t fall asleep at all. I tried reading, a hot shower (can’t take a bath until the stitches are all healed solid), watching TV, counting ducks (as opposed to sheep), and listening to my stress relief play list on my ipod. I don’t know why I couldn’t sleep. I have no real stress. I’ve been off work for 3 weeks, I knew Jas was ok getting to DC, because he texted me to let me know he landed safe (I have a fear of flying that has increased into a fear of HIM flying too). I hadn’t had any soda, or chocolate, or anything else containing caffeine. It wasn’t like the nights where I can’t get my brain to shut off. Things were pretty quiet up there for a change (yes, yes wide open door for sarcasm right there. I know.). The last time I looked at the clock, it was just past 5am on SATURDAY morning. That’s just insane to me. Thankfully, I slept in until noon (One of the But now it’s 2:30am on Sunday morning, and I’m wide awake again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, or why my schedule is so whacked out. I hate HATE the thought of taking something to help me sleep, but I can’t keep doing this. I have to start work again on Monday, and I can’t be staying up all night, and then sleeping through the morning. Part of me wants to take one of the prescription pain pills, because it makes me sleepy. But I don’t want to get in the habit of needing drugs to help me sleep. I’m trying to rationalize it by saying that the pill will help me get my body back on track if I just take it one night. However, I know that I’m just rationalizing it, and it pisses me off. So I ask you, dear internet, for your words of wisdom. What have you tried that helps you sleep when it feels like sleep will never come? What worked? What didn’t? Guide me, oh wise ones, because I really think I’m going to lose my mind if this happens for the entire 2 weeks that Jas is gone. I stole this from Miss Zoot. It requires no tagging or being tagged. Enjoy! The Meme of Us How long have you been together? Well, I suppose that depends. I wasn’t aware that we were dating until my friend Jenn told me so. Apparently, Jas had told her a couple days after our first kiss that we’d started dating, but he’d never said anything about it to me. We decided our official date of being "together" would be September 10, 2000. It’s been 7.5 years so far. How long did you date? We got married June 18, 2005, so we were dating almost 5 years before the wedding. (We would have been married on September 10, 2005, as it was a Saturday that year, but the place we wanted the wedding was booked. Dammit.) How old is he? He just turned 30 February 13th. So him! Who eats more? Jas does. The man can pack away food like no one I’ve ever met. Who said ‘i love you’ first? He did. I was too nervous, as we hadn’t been dating very long when I realized I did love him. Who is smarter? Again, that depends. He is much book smarter than I am (as you can tell by my grammar), but I am much better with logic puzzles and common sense type smarts. It irritates him that I scored MUCH better on the LSAT practice exams, and yet he has better grades than I do. Who does the laundry? Both of us. Laundry is constantly going in our apartment. The washer is TINY, so we can’t do a lot at a time. He does his own laundry, and I do mine plus the linens usually. Who does the dishes? Huge bone of contention here. I shall skip this one.
Who mows the lawn? We have no lawn. He cleans off Mia’s porch more often than I do, even though it’s supposed to be my job. Who cooks dinner? We don’t often eat together, and even when we do, we usually make our own food. I’ve tried cooking for both of us more recently, but stopped due to the aforementioned dishes issue. Who is more stubborn? We’re both pretty stubborn, but I’m more open about my stubbornness. Jas likes to think he’s pretty easy going. He can be, but when his mind is made up about something, trying to change it is like moving a concrete block with a toothpick. Who kissed who first? He kissed me first. I’d gone over to his new place to help him unpack, and we ended up watching Anaconda with Jennifer Lopez. As the credits rolled, I turned to tell him I was going home, and he kissed me! Shocked the heck out of me. Who asked who out? Well, since he started telling people we were going out before he bothered to tell me, I’m going to say he asked me out. Who proposed? Jas did. My favorite holiday is the 4th of July, so he took me to see the fireworks at Anaheim Stadium. Except the place we watched them from was right UNDER the fireworks. Ashes and embers rained down on us the entire time. He decided that wasn’t the ideal proposal situation, so he drove me down to the beach where we first really spent time together (before we’d even started dating) and proposed. I still say he proposed on the 4th, but since it was 12:05AM on the 5th, he tells everyone he proposed on the 5th. Who is more sensitive? Me. Hands down, no contest. Who has more friends? What a strange question. Well, I’d say he does, if we’re counting actual real life face-to-face people. He’s very social and can talk with anyone about anything for hours. I, however, am very anti-social. I am not comfortable in large groups, even if it’s people I know. If, however, we are counting friends that include online people, I have far more than he does. He doesn’t believe you can be friends with someone you’ve never met face-to-face. His loss! Holy cow! It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve posted. So much has happened in the last week, I’m not even sure where to begin. I suppose I should go chronologically. Wednesday was Jason’s 30th birthday, so we tried to go to our favorite Italian place. The wait was over an hour. So we went down the street to the Cheesecake Factory. Same wait. On a Wednesday. Craziness! We finally ended up at BJ’s Restaurant & Brewery. They have Pizookies, which are the BEST DESSERT EVER! (Love you, Tessa). It turned out to be a nice dinner, even though I’d had a really long day, and my head was pounding. Jas has a tendency to try and be very tough and strong, and never admit that he has weaknesses. During dinner he admitted that getting older and hitting the big Three Oh was a little intimidating and scary to him. It was kind of sweet to see him actually act human. Jas doesn’t do Valentine’s Day. He never has, and I’m guessing never will. He tells me it’s a Hallmark holiday and totally sexist. If you love someone, I’m told, you should show them all year long, not just one specific day. That last part I can agree with. However, why can’t you show them all year long AND on Valentine’s Day? Wouldn’t that make everyone happy? So I went to dinner with some of my coworkers, and we had a very good time. Of course, we had to go to 4 different restaurants before we could get a table. And where does a restaurant get off charging $85 for a 3 course meal that would cost $24 any other night of the year? That sickened me. When Jas got home from school that night, I talked him into going to BJ’s (yes, again) so I could have another Pizookie. There didn’t seem to be a lot of couples in the restaurant that night, but I did notice lots of large groups (8+) all eating together. And they sure looked like they were having a lot more fun than the couples did. Perhaps they’ve found the secret to enjoying Valentine’s day. Don’t just celebrate with the one special person you love, celebrate with everyone you love! I’m thinking I might try that strategy next year. Just invite everyone I know out to dinner and have a blast, instead of moping about the fact that my husband is anti-valentine’s day. Yes! That is my plan! Friday night was pretty exciting! Jas subbed for one of the guys on my bowling team. The first game he shot 298! For those of you who don’t know bowling, a perfect game (all strikes) is a 300. Jas had the first 11 strikes, and then left 2 pins on the last ball. It sucked that he just missed the perfect game, but it was still awesome that he did what he did. I think I was more nervous than he was. I could hardly look every time he was up. On th last ball I was hiding behind my friend Jenn, because I was too scared to watch. I didn’t even see the ball hit, I just heard everyone else’s reaction. But I was super proud of him, even if it wasn’t perfect! In addition to all those fun things, I had a 3 day training course at work, that turned out to be one of the best things I’ve ever done. It also left me freaking exhausted every day after work. I can’t wait to tell you all about it, but my pizza has just arrived and it is calling my name! Until later then! It’s 3am, and I can’t sleep. I know I fell asleep shortly after 1am, because Bull Durham had just come on TV, and Jas made a comment about it as I was drifting off. At 2:33, a large hand smacked down directly on my forehead and jarred me awake. This is not the first time this has happened to me, and let me assure you, it doesn’t get less frustrating as time goes on. I tried going back to sleep, but my brain is awake and feeling chatty. A swarm of random thoughts (turtles, dinos, and DUCKS, Allie!) are keeping me awake, and rather than lay in bed trying to get to sleep in my usual futile fashion, I thought I’d get some of it out here, and then go back to bed. (Keep the time in mind in case sentences make no sense) March 19 is the date that has been set for the kidney donation surgery. That is 43 days from today (I only waited about 37 seconds after I had the date to whip out a calendar and count). I had been eagerly looking forward to receiving a date, so I could schedule my life around it. I now wish I didn’t have a date yet. From the moment Kelly called me to tell me when we’re scheduled, I’ve had a pit in my stomach. I am scared to death. I was pretty scared before, but was able to calmly and logically remind myself that the positives largely outweigh the negatives, and that I’d be fine. Calm and logic have now left the building. I am terrified, and can’t seem to talk myself down from the ledge. Before it was just “Oh I have surgery sometime in March.” Now there’s a specific date and time and it’s all very very real. When I first posted about donating, I was very very hard on “Lisa” and how she handled backing out of the surgery. I still think how she went about it was really wrong (a voicemail? are you serious?), but I’m becoming much more understanding of why she did it. I remember being a little upset at a commenter who suggested forgiveness might be something to keep in mind. How could I forgive someone who did that to my friend? Now I have a little more perspective, and I think the commenter was right. Lisa didn’t have the support system that I have, as her family was very vocal about their opposition to her decision. That can’t have been easy for her. Add to that the enormity of this decision, and all the emotions that come along for the ride. At the time, all I could see was how she had hurt Kelly, and I reacted without considering how she must have felt. So I apologize for the not-so-nice way I responded to that commenter in my head. I didn’t really mean what I thought (be glad you weren’t privy to it), and thank you for making me think about my reaction now. It’s 2 months later, but better late than never, right? As often as I might complain about Jas, I really do love him. He’s so cute. He and his mom have been playing Roller Coaster Tycoon for the last THREE HOURS. She’s never played something like it, so he’s teaching her. It’s so funny.. She’s just like me when I play it. Who cares about big attractions when you can change the colors of the hats in the hat stand! He’s far more patient with her than he is when I watch him. I’m like “Balloons! You need more balloons!” and he just snickers and ignores me. She mentions balloons one time, and suddenly he has 5 stands of them. And she’s very protective of his little virtual park. The “vandals” broke some of the benches and she wants to hire someone to “knock their heads in.” It’s hilarious to watch. I’m going stir crazy just sitting here watching them, but my abs are getting quite the workout as I try to muffle my laughter. I like the fact that Jason has a bar tending job. I also hate the fact that Jason has a bar tending job. I know. Can’t have my cake and eat it too, and other such cliches that make no sense. But this does make sense to me. Jas loves bar tending. He’s quite the people person and loves to talk. (And talk and talk and talk…) Aside from some of the jackholes that he works with, and some of the cheap bastards he serves, he loves his job. And I’m happy for him. I love my job too, and I’d be pissed as hell if he ever asked me to leave it. But I hate that he works while I’m home. Selfish, I know. But I can’t seem to help it. And I’m quite the bitch about it too. When he tells me he’s only working 2 or 3 days, I get pissy because it mean he’ll be making less money, which means I have to cover more. And on the other hand, when he has to work 6 days, I get pissy because it means I can’t see him. I like having time alone. Watching the tv shows I want to watch, reading quietly with no interruptions, and just having a little me time. But I miss him when he’s not here. Even when I think about how irritating it is when he tries to talk to me while I’m reading my book (the book is NOT made of invisible paper. You can SEE that I’m reading it. SO WHY DO YOU KEEP TALKING?), I would still rather have him home bugging me than have him out at the bar. Perhaps it’s just my need to have everything just the way I want it. I would love him to have a full time day job so that he made more money, and yet we had evenings to spend together as well. But he doesn’t want a full time day job. He likes his bar tending thing. I suppose I’ll have to live with that. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has a room in the house where the door is perpetually shut. It contains everything that doesn’t fit in any other logical organized place in the house. Kind of like Monica’s closet, only expanded into an entire bedroom. (If you don’t know where that reference is from, stop reading this, go here, catch up, and then come back later) Currently, the room looks like a bomb went off, a tornado went through, and a laundromat exploded. All at once. We’re getting a new dresser that matches our bedroom set. We already have the King Bed and two nightstands. My parents bought us the dresser as 1/2 my graduation gift, 1/2 our anniversary gift.
Except no. Mr. Packrat doesn’t want to get rid of both dressers. He only wants to get rid of one. Why? Because he thinks he needs the room for his clothes. He has a lot of clothes, I’ll give him that. But I swear 60% of them haven’t been worn in YEARS. They’re in bags, or in drawers, or laying in a pile in the Bombroom. I’d be willing to bet that most of them are not in wearable condition, don’t fit, or aren’t to his current tastes. I would guess that if we bagged them all up, it would be a good 6-8 hefty duty trash bags full of clothes to give away. But no, he wants to keep them. Fine. THEN PUT THEM IN A DRAWER! So we need to clean the Bombroom out to make room for one of the dressers coming out of our room. It’s a daunting task. I’ve done a lot of it. I should be doing more. But my couch is so comfy. And Netflix delivered 3 new movies today! And the Wii, well, the Wii just won’t take no for an answer. It sits and stares at you until you just HAVE to turn it on. Like now… |
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