30 Days of Truth – Day 26

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Oh how I wish I could just say no, and make this a quick post. But that would be a lie, and this month is all about telling the truth. So I shall.

I wish I could tell you I’ve never thought about it. Or that it crossed my mind once, and then I moved on. Neither of those are true. I’ve thought about it more than once. Quite a bit in certain parts of my life. The first time I can remember seriously thinking about it was right after Jason and I got in our first huge fight after we’d been married. It was September of 2005, and I remember thinking what a huge mistake I’d made in marrying him against my gut feelings. It had only been three months, so I knew there was no way I could get divorced (my parents were still paying for the wedding), but I didn’t know what else to do. I thought about how, and when, and where. And then things got more tolerable, and the need to quit faded. It came back again right before I finally made the decision to be done with being married. But by then I’d committed to donating my kidney to Kelly. I’m pretty sure that saved my life, then.

I’ve thought about it periodically since then. Especially last year when I was unemployed. Actually, I thought about it a LOT last year. I couldn’t handle the stress of being a burden to Donald. I couldn’t handle the rejections, or the plain being ignored by prospective employers. I couldn’t handle not being good enough for even an entry position. I couldn’t handle people buying houses, getting married, getting pregnant, or moving on with their lives while I couldn’t. Because I was a worthless unemployed loser with a TON of debt, who no one wanted to hire. I thought about suicide a LOT last year. I thought about driving off a cliff, or overpass. Or taking some lethal combination of pills.

It’s better now, for the most part. I am gainfully employed and able to support myself. I’m no longer a burden. (Yes, I know Donald never saw it like that, but this isn’t written from his perspective.) I still have those days, those moments where I wonder if things just wouldn’t be better off without me around. The days where I see someone else at a part of their lives where I desperatly want to be, and a part of me would rather die than wait any longer. Because waiting hurts, and it sucks. And sometimes I just don’t want it to hurt anymore.

But I’m still here.