Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Oh how I wish I could just say no, and make this a quick post. But that would be a lie, and this month is all about telling the truth. So I shall.
I wish I could tell you I’ve never thought about it. Or that it crossed my mind once, and then I moved on. Neither of those are true. I’ve thought about it more than once. Quite a bit in certain parts of my life. The first time I can remember seriously thinking about it was right after Jason and I got in our first huge fight after we’d been married. It was September of 2005, and I remember thinking what a huge mistake I’d made in marrying him against my gut feelings. It had only been three months, so I knew there was no way I could get divorced (my parents were still paying for the wedding), but I didn’t know what else to do. I thought about how, and when, and where. And then things got more tolerable, and the need to quit faded. It came back again right before I finally made the decision to be done with being married. But by then I’d committed to donating my kidney to Kelly. I’m pretty sure that saved my life, then.
I’ve thought about it periodically since then. Especially last year when I was unemployed. Actually, I thought about it a LOT last year. I couldn’t handle the stress of being a burden to Donald. I couldn’t handle the rejections, or the plain being ignored by prospective employers. I couldn’t handle not being good enough for even an entry position. I couldn’t handle people buying houses, getting married, getting pregnant, or moving on with their lives while I couldn’t. Because I was a worthless unemployed loser with a TON of debt, who no one wanted to hire. I thought about suicide a LOT last year. I thought about driving off a cliff, or overpass. Or taking some lethal combination of pills.
It’s better now, for the most part. I am gainfully employed and able to support myself. I’m no longer a burden. (Yes, I know Donald never saw it like that, but this isn’t written from his perspective.) I still have those days, those moments where I wonder if things just wouldn’t be better off without me around. The days where I see someone else at a part of their lives where I desperatly want to be, and a part of me would rather die than wait any longer. Because waiting hurts, and it sucks. And sometimes I just don’t want it to hurt anymore.
Yes, I know I skipped day 24, but it’s complicated and I’m not done yet. I’ll get back to it before the 30 days are up, I promise.
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
I had to think about this one for a long time before I could come to a conclusion. The reason I’m still alive today is…
…because I’m not dead. TADA!
Seriously? I’m starting to question the sanity of the person who came up with these “truth” prompts. Although, if I were a more “spiritual” person, I could probably come up with a more serious answer. Like, I’m still alive because my purpose in life is to do <insert something wonderfully fabulous here> before I die, and I haven’t done that yet. So, let’s see, what have I not done that the universe could possibly be waiting for? I’ve donated a kidney already, and I’m still alive, so that can’t be it. I’ve not had kids yet, but considering the bazillion children just waiting to get families, I know that can’t be it either. Buy a house? Probably not. Finish my life list? Maybe, but it’s doubtful that the universe is overly concerned with my whackjob list of things to do before I die (unless the universe wants in on the Beans tournament, and in that case I’m happy to oblige).
I really have no idea why I’m still alive today. Probably to entertain you with lame posts like these, in the hopes that you’ll at least smile for a couple seconds. How’d I do?
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Oh here we go again. Assuming this wouldn’t change my life as it is now, I wish I’d finished college when I started it the first time. I also wish I’d picked a major that I had a career in.
When I went to San Diego State straight out of college, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Hell, all I knew was that I didn’t want to be in college. I was majoring in astronomy when I started, simply because I had an astronomy class in high school that I loved. It took exactly one astronomy class for me to discover I absolutely did not love astronomy enough to have that be my major. But since I didn’t want to be in college to start with, I wasn’t attending class much. The classes I attended religiously, however, were my American Sign Language classes (both beginner and intermediate). I adored the classes. My teacher was deaf (which is actually unusual), so we were completely immersed in signing, whether we wanted to be or not. It was amazing. Not surprisingly, they were also the only classes I got A’s in. In hindsight, I really wish I’d changed my major right then to ASL or Sign Language Interpreting or something along those lines. I might have been inspired to actually get decent grades.
After I was “academically disqualified” (read:I failed out) from San Diego State, I went to community college for a few years to try and figure out what I wanted to do. While there, I took a few psychology classes from an amazing teacher, who made me love psychology. That is eventually what I majored in when I transferred to Cal Poly Pomona. (Well, technically I majored in Psychology until my last year when I switched to Behavioral Science because it required less daytime classes and I was a full time night student.) I love psychology still, but I was quite a chunk through with the required elements when I realized I do not have the personality to work in the psychology field, in any aspect. Additionally, while I was in school I was working full time at a job that I thought I had a career in. As it was, I didn’t really put everything I had into school, since I thought I was set, plus working and going to school at the same time is really hard. Had I focused on school when that was the only thing I had to do, I’m sure things would have gone smoother for me.
Today I don’t work in psychology at all. I work in customer service, and while I’m sure some of my psychology training helps me, it’s certainly not what my focus is. Honestly, if I could afford to go back to school now, I’d probably try for a degree in American Sign Language, and then get a job doing interpreting. Maybe in my next life.
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
I don’t wish I hadn’t done many things. I like where I am today, and every decision I’ve made in my life has led me to where I am. However, if I could change something and manage to keep the rest of my life intact, I would.
When Jason and I were married (and even before that) we ran up a LOT of credit card debt. It was always under the (completely misguided and naive) assumption that he was eventually going to get a kickass job and we’d be able to pay it back with ease. You need not tell me how stupid that was. I’m well aware. The debt was in my name because I was the one with good credit. You can see where this is going, I’m sure. When we got divorced, the debt stayed with me. Yes, California is a community property state and technically everything could have been split right down the middle. But I just wanted it over. I kept all the furniture and all the debt. At the time it was worth it, since I LOVE my bedroom set and my couch. Now? I might have done things a little differently.
I really wish I’d been smarter about running up all the debt I did. I wish I’d thought it through, and stayed away from the extra credit cards. My life now would be SO much easier if I didn’t have massive credit card payments to deal with. We’ve been renting our house for almost 2 years now, and just recently got notice that the company we rent from is going to be selling the house. Once we find out what they’re listing it for, we can determine if we’re able to buy it or if we need to find some other place to live. If I’d been smarter with my money sooner in my life, we’d have a lot more options in terms of housing.
So that’s what I wish I hadn’t done. Charged so much on credit cards, because it’s completely crippling me now.
Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
This is a total no-brainer to me. I’d find out where my best friend is and get to them immediately. It doesn’t matter that you had a fight an hour before, or a day before, or a month before. If it’s truly your best friend, you’re there for them no matter what happens.
I had a friend in elementary school who I was inseparable with. She lived across the street from me, and we played together every single day. We were the same age, but since her parents had let her skip a grade and mine hadn’t, we were in different classes. One day we got into a huge fight over something I can’t even remember now, and completely stopped speaking. At this point I don’t even remember how long it lasted, but I remember exactly how it ended. I was in the cafeteria at lunch when she walked in in tears. She came over and sat next to me as if nothing had ever happened, and I hugged her while she cried. I don’t remember what she was upset about, but I remember we walked home together after school and moved on like the fight had never happened.
I know that’s exactly how I’d handle it now. It doesn’t matter to me how bad the fight is. If it’s my best friend, I’d do whatever it takes to be there for them.
I have never done illegal drugs. Not a single one. I’ve never even tried marijuana. Hell, I’ve never even tried a regular cigarette (just the thought makes me sick). I’ve never ever had the desire to do any of it. Maybe my elementary school D.A.R.E. program did a really good job on me, or maybe I’m just a big weenie. Either way, I’ve never wanted to try anything (though I’ve made the occasional tongue-in-cheek comment about wanting to do speed, since it makes you skinny). I have, however, had alcohol. I don’t drink often, and I’ve been drunk exactly twice ever. I get very sleepy after I’ve had a drink or two, and though I’m told to just “push through it” I can’t ever do it. So I choose not to drink. I don’t mind being the designated driver, or the only sober person in a group. I never feel like I’m missing anything, and I never cave into peer pressure (not when it comes to drinking at least). I’ll have a drink if and when I feel like it, but it’s pretty rare. (You’ll find, however, a few pictures of me with a drink on Facebook. Since I so rarely drink, people feel the need to document the occasion with their cameras. Kinda cracks me up.)
I am for legalizing marijuana. I don’t think it’s a gateway drug, and I don’t think it’s any worse than alcohol, which is already legal. I think legalizing it and selling it through authorized locations could do great things for the amount of debt our state/country currently has. I disagree, however, that marijuana is not addictive. I think that while there may be no chemical addiction, a psychological addiction is just as bad. I know a few people who think they can’t sleep without smoking pot first. I know someone who feels like he can’t function throughout the day without smoking pot, and contrary to the stereotype, he’s one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met. I think marijuana should be treated the same as alcohol is, but I don’t believe that any other drugs should be legalized. There are lots of people who are of the “all or nothing” mindset when it comes to legalizing drugs, and I am most assuredly not one of them. I think there’s enough scientific proof that marijuana is not as harmful as originally thought, and enough proof that all the others (heroin, crack, cocaine, ecstasy, etc.) are far worse. If alcohol can be legal, why not pot? If cigarettes, the only product that if used correctly WILL kill you, are legal then there should be some consideration for legalizing pot, don’t you think?
For some reason this didn’t post when it was supposed to. So here it is now.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Well, since both of these are touchy subjects, I’d like to start by saying these are just my own opinions. You are all entitled to yours and they’re probably different than mine, and that’s great. I’m not here to offend anyone or single anyone out, or tell anyone they’re wrong. This is just how I feel.
When it comes to religion, I consider myself agnostic at best. I don’t believe in God, but I don’t necessarily think my beliefs are absolutely right. I could be wrong, who knows? I don’t, however, think any one religion is right. I think they all have good and bad parts. I don’t care if people want to believe something different than I do. How they want to live their life is entirely up to them. I do, however, mind when their beliefs start infringing on basic civil rights, like I wrote about yesterday. I mind when they tell me that there’s something wrong with me or my life because I don’t believe the same thing they do. I very much take offense to that.
For some people, I think religion is a crutch. A way to make excuses for their actions, or for things that happened to them. You did not get fired because “God had another plan” for you. You got fired because you didn’t show up for work. That kind of logic drives me insane. It’s so easy to put the blame on anything else but yourself, rather than taking responsibility for your actions. But I know that there are very wonderful people out there who are very much involved in their church and very religious, and I adore them completely. When I was renting a room from a married couple (the sister of my old boyfriend and her husband) I tried going to church with them a few times. But I just never felt comfortable with it. That didn’t mean that I didn’t adore both of them, or that I didn’t have anything in common with them. We just had different beliefs. They never tried to push it on me, or make me feel badly because I didn’t believe in the same thing. Same thing with the parents of that same old boyfriend. They’re very active in their church, and yet never ever made me feel uncomfortable because I believed differently. They are the very type of people I have immense respect for. They believe what they feel is right, and still respect the rights of others to believe differently.
Politics are different. I try to avoid political discussion as much as possible because A) I am not knowledgeable enough to speak about it intelligently, and B) it doesn’t interest me in the least. I know it should. I know I should be up to date on all the issues because they affect me or will affect me someday. But unless they cause a change to my everyday life right now, I have a hard time caring. I know that’s ignorant. I know it’s the wrong view to have. But I can’t make myself be involved in something that I have absolutely no interest in. Like religion, I think political beliefs (and parties) have good and bad parts. Some parties are more religion driven, which annoys me because political decisions are supposed to be separate from religion. (But since our Pledge of Allegiance has “under God” in it, I guess there’s no reasonable expectation of that, is there?)
I believe everyone should have the right to vote. I also believe that if you don’t vote, you shouldn’t complain. I vote in every election, though I only vote for issues or candidates that I feel adequately educated about. But I don’t complain about the things I didn’t take the time to vote on. That would be wrong.
Well, I lied. I said I would post the other days of truth while I was in Vegas for the weekend, and I didn’t. I’ll make up for them at the end of the 30 days, but for organizational purposes, I’m going to keep doing the prompts that match the day of the month. It’ll just be easier for me.
Day18: Your views on gay marriage.
Oh this one is easy. I don’t even have to really think about it. I’m for it 100%. I don’t think anyone has the right to tell someone else who they can and can’t marry. Telling two homosexuals that they can’t marry each other is the same thing as telling two people with red hair that they can’t marry each other. It’s ridiculous. Your choice of husband or wife, whether they be male or female, has absolutely zero effect on my life. None. It doesn’t make my relationship any less or any more than it already was. I think if two people love each other and want to marry each other, it’s not my place, nor anyone else’s to tell them they can’t. I think they’re entitled to the same rights and privileges as I am. If I were a lesbian and wanted to marry my female partner, I’d be pretty pissed that I wasn’t allowed to (at least in most states/countries).
I have never been able to understand the viewpoint of people opposed to gay marriage. I’ve always tried to see an issue from both sides, even if I only agree with one. It makes for more intelligent debate, in my opinion. But this? I can’t see the other side of this. Opponents want to “protect” marriage because they feel gay marriage hurts or lessens marriage . How? Marriage is a promise, an agreement, a commitment, and technically, a contract. How does gender change anything? If two men make a business deal, does it make it less valid than if a man and a woman made a business deal? Or if two women did? That doesn’t make sense. Opponents say that the bible says homosexuality is wrong, and therefore homosexuals are deviants who should not be afforded the same rights as the rest of us. Aside from the fact that church and state are supposed to be separate (something that MANY people seem to forget), the bible also says a whole lot of other stuff that those same opponents don’t follow. I’d rehash that for you here, but Aaron Sorkin wrote the greatest scene in television history (in my opinion) on that same subject. Please enjoy:
Different doesn’t mean better or worse. It’s just different. If we were all the same, this world would be pretty damn boring. At least in my opinion.
Day 13: A band or artist that has helped you through tough days.
Really? Who listens to just one band or artist? I mean, I’m sure everyone has their favorites, but just one to help you through the tough days? Certainly not.
I often listen to Metallica when I’m in a bad or angry mood. Something about listening to angry music when I’m angry helps me to get it all out and feel better later. If I’m feeling depressed and sad, I really like listening to slow music like classical or new age music. I have a playlist on my iPod full of “stress relief” CD’s that I love listening to when I’m feeling down or when I can’t sleep. I don’t even know who any of the artists are, since they’re all compilation CD’s.
That was probably the least insightful “truth” post so far, but now it’s done and I can sleep. I’m leaving for Vegas tomorrow for a girls weekend, and I still need to pack! It’ll be an early morning for me. I’ll post more “truth” from the road. Enjoy your weekend!
This? This is easy. And I take absolutely no offense to not getting compliments on things. Also, this post isn’t intended to spawn compliments either. I’m cool with this, I swear.
I don’t get compliments on anything physical. Clothes, looks, hair, etc. The only exception would be my eyes, which are occasionally called pretty (and they’re GREEN, dammit, not blue). Aside from that, there’s nothing. Which is fine. I’m not very pretty. I don’t dress particularly well. I can’t for the life of me figure out how to wear makeup to enhance my good features, or hide the bad ones. So it’s really no surprise to me that I don’t get these kind of compliments. It’s ok. I’m used to it. If I had the choice between being pretty and being smart, I’d pick smart in a heartbeat. (Well, I’d pick both if that was an option. )
What I’d love, really, is to get a spot on one of those makeover shows. The ones that teach you how to dress for your size/shape, or how to make your hair look nice, or how to wear makeup properly. That would be awesome. But I’m good the way I am. I like me, Donald likes me, that’s what counts.