During the day is easiest. To laugh, to smile, to pretend everything is ok. There’s job searching to do, meals to create, hockey games to go to, and chores to be done. Distractions are plentiful, and logic is fully intact. Ridiculous ideas are seen exactly for what they are. Jealousy is kept in check. Hope, optimism, and happiness prevail over the dark thoughts that try and break through.

It’s different at night. The silence gives the doubts and fears and insecurities free reign, and boy do they take advantage.  Illogical stupid questions are not only considered, they snowball into monstrous ridiculous scenarios. What if I can’t find a job? What if I can’t pay my bills next month What if my unemployment runs out? What if I end up living in my car in a parking lot somewhere? What if I can never get out of debt? What if I never have a baby? What if I never live comfortably? What if I never lose this weight? What if he gets tired of me and leaves? What if? What if? What if? Those are just some of the things that go through my head at night. Sometimes it’s worse. But it’s always so very hard to deal with.

The thing is, I know things will be ok. They suck right now, but they’ll get better. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next month, but eventually it’ll be ok.  I just need to figure out how to get through the now. How to fight the feelings that make me feel like I’m drowning. Or that cause me to cry at night when I’m trying desperately, so desperately, to fall asleep.  If I can get it under control, the anxiety attacks will go away. I’ll be able to sleep through the night again. I’ll be a happy person again.

Admitting there’s a problem is the first step, right?