During the day is easiest. To laugh, to smile, to pretend everything is ok. There’s job searching to do, meals to create, hockey games to go to, and chores to be done. Distractions are plentiful, and logic is fully intact. Ridiculous ideas are seen exactly for what they are. Jealousy is kept in check. Hope, optimism, and happiness prevail over the dark thoughts that try and break through.

It’s different at night. The silence gives the doubts and fears and insecurities free reign, and boy do they take advantage.  Illogical stupid questions are not only considered, they snowball into monstrous ridiculous scenarios. What if I can’t find a job? What if I can’t pay my bills next month What if my unemployment runs out? What if I end up living in my car in a parking lot somewhere? What if I can never get out of debt? What if I never have a baby? What if I never live comfortably? What if I never lose this weight? What if he gets tired of me and leaves? What if? What if? What if? Those are just some of the things that go through my head at night. Sometimes it’s worse. But it’s always so very hard to deal with.

The thing is, I know things will be ok. They suck right now, but they’ll get better. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next month, but eventually it’ll be ok.  I just need to figure out how to get through the now. How to fight the feelings that make me feel like I’m drowning. Or that cause me to cry at night when I’m trying desperately, so desperately, to fall asleep.  If I can get it under control, the anxiety attacks will go away. I’ll be able to sleep through the night again. I’ll be a happy person again.

Admitting there’s a problem is the first step, right?

Have you ever had an one of those moments where the cheesiest, most obvious thought pops into your head, and you really feel like you’re starring in your own movie? I like to call them Lifetime Movie Moments. Because sometimes you’re just sitting there and it hits you, and the music should swell, and then the camera should fade to black and roll credits. You ever get that?

I had one of these moments last week, as I was sitting at dinner with 5 of my closest friends. I looked around at my friends and realized how much I love all of them, and how lucky I am to have them. And not just them, but the friends I have that weren’t with us that night. Cheesy? Yeah, maybe. True? Absolutely. Each one of them is special in their own way.

I have a friend I have known since junior high, that I don’t speak with often enough,  but I know she’s just a phone call away whenever I need her.

I have a friend with whom I share a brain, even though she lives several states away. When I was laid off, she was my first phone call. Her anger on my behalf was enough to snap me back into reality and help me focus on figuring out the next step.

I have a friend who makes giant poster thank you cards, for simple things like being the designated driver. I can text her a basic question, and end up dumping a whole bunch of my crazy irrationality on her, and she thinks nothing of it.

I have a friend who can be heard for miles. Giving him a high five will bruise your hand for a week. But he’s one of the most fun, honest and caring guys I’ve ever known. (Also, he loves his wife more than any man I’ve ever met, which is awesome in and of itself).

I have a friend who I’ve never met in person, but who will send me a box of books that she thinks I’ll like, simply because she feels like it.

I have a friend who convinced me to drive 35 miles away (almost 2 hours with traffic!) to bowl with her. She’s the one who eventually introduced me to Donald, and for that I can never thank her enough.

I have friends who moved to Arizona a few years ago, and who I miss terribly. They always have a place for me to stay any time I want to come visit.

I have friends who are the parents of Donald’s nieces and nephews. I am so lucky that I actually like all 4 of them, not only because they’re his family, but because they’re just really great people.

I have friends both online and in person, in California, and scattered across the globe. I have friends I see once a year and that I see once a week. Every single one of them means a lot to me. I just thought they should know.

I have to say 2009 was not one of my favorite years, and I’m not sorry to see it go. Last year I summed it up with a survey, and for comparison’s sake I decided to do it again this year.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Moved into my own house with Donald, Filed for unemployment

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  I never make resolutions for the new year. If I want to change something, I start right away. I never wait until January 1.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes! Donald’s sister had the cutest boy ever in March!  I love that kid!

4. Did anyone close to you die? My grandfather in May

5. What countries did you visit? I visited the other side of the US. That’s as international as I got.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? A wedding, a pregnancy, a job. Not necessarily in that order.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? May 3, the day my Grampa died. July 2, the day I got a brick as a gift. October 22-26, my first NFL football game and the best vacation I’ve ever had!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Learning to cook, and not poisoning anyone in the process.

9. What was your biggest failure? My lack of getting a new job after my old one let me go.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I was sick a bit, but nothing serious.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My Sketchers Shape Ups! They’re awesome and I love love LOVE them.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Donald, hands down. When I had a meltdown after I was laid off, he was more supportive and wonderful than I deserved. I don’t think I would have made it without him.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Like last year, not something I can talk about here.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills. Again.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Learning to cook, and our trip to Pittsburgh (which I totally forgot to post about)

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? Alright by Darius Rucker.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Honestly, probably sadder, but I’m working on that.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner!

c) richer or poorer? Poorer. Lack of a job will do that to ya.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Saved money

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Stressed about things I cannot control.

20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve I spent with Donald’s family, watching his hilarious nieces and nephews. Christmas day we went to my parent’s house for gifts and stockings, then to see Sherlock Holmes, and back to my parents for dinner.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Every single day.

22. What was your favorite TV program? I love NCIS and House, and I discovered the magic of the Penguins of Madagascar. If you’ve not seen it yet, you should watch an episode or 4. It’s great.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don’t hate anyone. I dislike people strongly, but I rarely use “hate” to describe how I feel.

24. What was the best book you read? I didn’t read as much this year as I have in the past, which is odd since I had so much more free time. I can’t think of any book that stands out.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? I don’t really think I have one.

26. What did you want and get? A house that I absolutely love!

27. What did you want and not get? A winning lottery ticket

28. What was your favorite film of this year? The Hangover, The Proposal, The Blind Side, Julie & Julia.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 30 this year! I went with my friends to dinner the night before, and did the family dinner the night of my birthday.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Karma taking it’s toll, but I can wait for that.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? Pretty much the same as I’d describe it since 1993. Jeans and T-shirt/Tank Top/Sweatshirt

32. What kept you sane? Donald and my fantastic friends.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I can’t really think of anyone who sparked my interest this year.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? I was a little too busy being selfish and focusing on my own life this year to pay attention to politics.

35. Who did you miss? Heather, Kerry, Tony & Jenn. The closest friends I have that don’t live near me.

36. Who was the best new person you met? I became closer with a lot of my friends this year, which I think is better than meeting new people.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. You can only control so much. The rest you just have to roll with.