Dear Elephant People,

Please remember that someone lives below you. I realize that It’s hard to remember as you thunder up the stairs, slam the door, and stomp throughout your apartment, but please try. Because Karma is a bitch, and some day someone might live above you. And that someone might be 500 lbs. and addicted to Richard Simmons videos. I’m just saying…

Sincerely,
Denora

*****

Dear Target,

The last couple of years you’ve had these overly adorable stuffed elephant gift card holders with the year sewn into the foot. I was eagerly awaiting their arrival with the rest of the Christmas decor, but was extremely saddened when they did not appear. Please tell me you’re just saving them until closer to Christmas? It would make my year to have one.

Your faithful customer,
Denora

P.S. If you happen to have an extra one from 2007, can you accidentally put it in a bin where I’ll stumble upon it? I somehow missed getting one last year. Thanks!

*****

Dear Stomach,

Please stop adding fat to yourself. I feed you right, exercise you, and generally try to keep you in good shape. And yet the only shape you want to be in is round and jiggly. Why must you insist on this? Do you not enjoy fitting into jeans properly? Do you prefer having to spill out over the tops of pants? I would like your expansion to cease and desist immediately.

Yours (literally),
Denora