Hi! I’m Denora. This is my blog.
At least, as far as I’m aware it is. My own personal space on this grand interweb for me to say and think and feel however I’d like, right? Because apparently some people think it’s not. They think I don’t have a right to express my feelings about certain subjects. They think it’s ok to send me e-mail telling me I’m a horrible person. How can they say that when they don’t really know me? You think by reading a couple of posts that I’ve put up online, you know all about me? Please. I’ve known me all my life, and I’m not even sure I know all about me. How can you?
Last week I posted this and apparently sparked some hostility in someone who wasn’t even brave enough to use their real name to e-mail me. (For the record, Denora IS my real name, as I’ve explained before.) I was told that I was a “horrible person for trying to trap a man into having a child with you.” I’m also a “selfish bitch who only wants to be a single mom to attract men.” Now, maybe it’s just me, but those sentences are a little contradictory, no? First I want to trap the guy I’m already with into having a baby, but then I want to be a single mom to get a man? I don’t see how that works.
I know I shouldn’t let it get to me. I know that everyone is entitled to their opinion, and if someone wants to think that I’m horrible and selfish, then they’re entirely free to do so. I get angry, however, when they feel the need to push their unsolicited opinion on to me regarding my personal feelings. I did not ask what other people thought about it. I simply used the forum to vent/express my own feelings on it. And it irritates and angers me that I now feel like I have to defend myself.
I would never EVER trick, trap, coerce or otherwise force someone to have a baby with me. Why on earth would I do that when the option of having a baby exists without the need for devious practices? If I wanted a baby THAT badly, I would go to a sperm bank. No trickery needed, as those guys made deposits specifically for the baby making purpose. Why would I want to force someone into an enormous responsibility that they don’t want? I know sometimes I’m bitchy, but I’m not vengeful, nor heartless. If I have a baby, I want it to be loved unconditionally, not resented or called a mistake.
I love Donald, and I hope someday to have a baby with him (and I realize that seems fast for those of you just finding out that Jason and I are divorced, but remember I don’t post every detail of my life here). Whether we have kids in 5 weeks, 5 months, 5 years, or not at all, it’ll be because we BOTH made the decision. And if things between us don’t work out, then I’ll have some choices to make on my own. But they are MY choices, and I do not want or need your anonymous hateful input.
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Last year I wrote this post because people just plain piss me off. Every single time I got sick, someone would ask me if I was pregnant. I’d probably have been a little more accepting of their curiosity if:
A year ago I wanted more than anything to have a baby. Jason and I weren’t getting along at all, and while I didn’t think having a baby would make things better, I couldn’t stop myself from wanting one. Thankfully, I didn’t do anything stupid, because having a baby at the same time I’m getting divorced would not be on my list of Smart Moves in Life. Even now that I’m single again (but dating an incredibly wonderful man), I can’t stop thinking about having babies (which would probably scare the aforementioned incredibly wonderful man if he really thought about it). I’d made the decision a while back that once Jason and I got a divorce, I’d look into the feasibility of being a single parent. I know it would be hard, and there are a plethora of people who think that kids need two parents in their lives (my opinion on that I’ll save for another day). But I really believe it’s something I could do. I’ve looked into adoption agencies, since there are so many children in the world who need parents, but it’s so incredibly cost prohibitive! The average cost of adoption ranges from $25,000 to $30,000! If you adopt domestically, the average drops to less than $20,000, but the percentage of single women accepted to adopt is incredibly low. So that idea is pretty much out. I was thinking of maybe hitting up a sperm bank and doing the single mom thing via that route as well. There’s no application, home visit, lawyer fees, or extensive waiting period, as there is with adoption. My friends in Louisiana did exactly that a couple years ago, and their son turned two this summer and is completely adorable. The downside for me, is the lack of paternal medical history. What if the guy donated and had no idea that he had some sort of hereditary disease? I know that could be true with any parent, even if they’re active in the child’s life. but at least in that case, you have a heads up about it. For example, say Dad develops Disease X at age 45; you now know what to tell your child to watch for. It’s not a perfect plan. It has serious flaws, I wholeheartedly admit. But I’d rather have some idea of parental medical history, rather than just guessing as I go. Also, I have a hard time differentiating getting sperm from a bank from sleeping with a guy on the first date. To me, it’s about the same thing. (For the record, that’s my own personal opinion about my own life. I have zero problems with anyone else who decides to do either of those things.) Going to a sperm bank, however, is not completely out of my realm of possibilities. It’s just something I’ll have to think about if I need to. Obviously, the ideal plan would be to fall in love and have a baby with someone. That’s the track I’m on right now, and I hope more than anything it works out. The logical & rational portion of my brain knows that it’s best to wait a while and see how things work out between us, before I start making any plans. But the emotional & irrational part of me is constantly reminding me that I am not getting any younger. Thankfully the logical & rational part of my brain is not only louder, but more stubborn. I just wish I knew how to silence the emotional & irrational side. My parents watched Mia for me when I was in Hawaii, and she had a great time as always. My old dog Jezzi is 13 now, and my sister's dog, Skeeter, is almost 4. Jezzi likes when Mia comes to play because she distracts Skeeter, and Jezzi can have peace and quiet. Mia, though much smaller, likes to boss Skeeter around. It's hilarious to watch them together. Since I sprained my ankle right after I returned from Hawaii, I decided to leave Mia at my parent's house until I was walking again. The idea of being in my little apartment on crutches with my little dog underfoot didn't seem like a great idea. Plus, it gave me the opportunity to clean my carpets (and by "me" I mean the greatest man on the planet, Donald, who did them for me while I was at work. Am I lucky or what?) and rearrange my living room furniture without her oh-so-helpful assistance. I'm feeling a little guilty about bringing Mia back home, however. Before Jason left, he was home all day and she had someone to play with. But now she's home alone by herself while I'm at work, and since I have a social life now, I'm coming home later and not getting to spend as much time with her. I'm starting to think that either I should leave her at my parent's house indefinitely, and just go visit her when I can, or I should get another dog so she'll have a friend to play with during the day. I saw her last weekend when I stopped by their house to drop off her medicine, and she's already lost weight from being active (which she really needs to do). I miss her a lot, but I also don't want to bring her home and have her be lonely, after getting used to having other dogs to play with all the time. On the other hand, I'm hesitant to bring another dog home because I don't want Mia to get jealous. So, what do I do? Last year I did the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K walk and raised money for an excellent cause. I had planned on doing it this year as well, but had to change my plans. There are many wonderful causes that I’d love to raise money for, but I just don’t have the time or resources to do them all. That’s why I’ve decided to focus on one or two functions a year to throw my full support behind. On October 18th, I’ll be walking in the Step Out to Fight Diabetes hosted by the American Diabetes Association. As with breast cancer, diabetes has affected several members of my family and my friends. My aunt, my mom, and several friends have been diagnosed with diabetes over the years. This year, however, I was asked to participate in the walk by Donald’s family, as his niece is living with juvenile diabetes. She was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes in March of 2006, and has adjusted well to her daily regimen of closely monitoring her diet, testing her blood sugar frequently and giving herself multiple insulin injections, but I know that there are many days when it is very difficult for her. It’s a big burden for anyone, but especially an 11 year old. Kyla is a great kid, and I want nothing more for her than to find a cure for this disease. So here’s where I beg for donations. If you can, please donate to our team. Every dollar counts, so anything you can afford would be phenomenal, even if it’s as little as just a dollar. And if you can’t afford to donate at this time, feel free to pass on the link to someone who might be able to. I’ve included my donation page if you’d like to donate under my name, as well as Kyla’s page if you want to donate under hers. The money goes to the same team regardless of which link you click. (Her link includes a picture of her, and you’ll note she’s far cuter than I!) My donation page: http://main.diabetes.org/goto/thedenora Kyla’s donation page: http://main.diabetes.org/goto/KylaClark Huge thanks to anyone who donates, thinks about donating, or just sends happy thoughts our way. All of us and the millions of other families and friends affected by diabetes would love to see a cure. Let Kyla’s generation be the last generation to suffer the daily struggle of a life with diabetes. Apparently the way to make me sleep through the night is to have me do a couple of shots. Who knew? Donald's cousin is visiting from Boston right now, so Donald and his two sisters (along with their significant others) took him out to go drinking with them. The 7 of us hit 3 bars during the course of the evening. The first two bars had us for about an hour total, before we ended up at an Irish pub called Killarney's. (Don't ask me why, but it amused me that we took a guy from Boston to an Irish pub. Like that was something special Riverside had to offer.) We all had a great time. Donald's sisters told great stories about the three of them as kids/teenagers, and had me cracking up at what a bunch of terrors they were. I didn't feel much like drinking, so I got to watch as the rest of them (except Donald's pregnant sister) got completely smashed. At one point, someone ordered a round of Buttery Nipple shots, and though I'd never had one, I didn't want to be rude. A few minutes later a round of Blue Raspberry Kamikaze shots arrived, and I finished that one as well, though I made it clear it would be my last one. (Not only did I not feel like drinking, I was also one of the designated drivers.) I felt a wee bit buzzed, since I hadn't eaten in over 12 hours, but some sliders and a couple glasses of water fixed that problem real quick. We (the sober sister and I) poured the drunks into the cars about 1:45 to get them home. I was out cold by 2:30am and slept like a rock until 8am (except for that brief period where I was awoken by someone who was revisiting his drinks in reverse, if you know what I'm saying). I went back to sleep for another 2 hours at 9:30, and managed to stay awake the entire day without taking a nap. Now, if only I can find a way to sleep through the night AND not be tired when I wake up in the morning, I'll be a happy camper! I'm feeling a little grumpy (likely due to my lack of sleep) so I'm hoping to improve my mood by getting a few of my pet peeves off my chest.
*By adult film I mean rated R, or rated PG-13. If you're over the age of 13 and with a parent, I expect you to act like an adult and follow bullet seven. If the movie is rated G or PG, however, I would expect kids to be there, and while the noise will possibly annoy me, I won't complain about it. I've been having a bit of trouble sleeping lately. Partially because my ankle is constantly hurting, and it's hard to get comfortable. (Of course, then I get comfortable, fall asleep, and end up kicking myself in the ankle and starting the whole process over again.) But the rest of the time I'm just awake. No particular reason why, just awake. I used to have trouble sleeping when I was stressed out, but I'm pretty unstressed currently. My apartment (aside from the jackass neighbors) is pretty great and now decorated with a new flat screen TV, my car is pretty much always awesome, I'm dating the greatest guy on the planet (yeah, I'm biased), and my job is secure (which is more than I can say for others, since we laid off two people this week. One of whom is a good friend of mine.). There's no real reason for me to be not sleeping. And yet last night I was awake every hour on the hour. I was SO exhausted. I was ready to go to sleep at 7, no exaggeration. But things like shopping for food and setting up the new TV can't be done in my sleep, so I didn't get to bed until midnight. And then I was up at 1. And 2. And 3. And so on and so forth until my alarm started going off. So then I got 90 minutes of semi-sleep in 9 minute increments, which did not do much for improving my temperment. I cannot figure out what's keeping me awake. My mattress is brand new, and extremely comfortable, so it's not that. Mia has been staying at my parent's for a couple weeks (first because I was in Hawaii, and then because I sprained my ankle and decided she was better off not being near me on crutches), so it's not her kicking me. My brain just doesn't want to shut down. I wish it was my brain AND body that were still awake, so that I could get more things done. My apartment could use a good cleaning. My office/second bedroom is full of post-divorce leftovers that need to be organized and put away or donated. There are several recipes I'd like to try making for dinner (or making and saving for lunch the next day). I have oodles of pictures to download off the camera and post here for you all. But I don't have the energy to do those things. I just want to sleep, and yet my brain says "HA! NO!" If I'd written this entry about how wonderfully I sleep every night, Murphy's Law would have me awake every hour when I try to go to bed tonight. So I'm hoping that rule works in reverse. I won't be holding my breath. I'm back from Hawaii! Well, rather I was back from Hawaii a week ago, but then I had a busy weekend catching up with my friends, and then work started Monday, and then I busted my ankle. It's been a fun week! Hawaii was GORGEOUS! We stayed at a resort on Oahu. It was 87 degrees every single day with a light breeze blowing just enough to keep you from getting too warm. We spent many many hours just lying by the pool or on the beach. We hit up a luau for dinner one night, and the entertainment and food were both phenomenal! The host of the show was a real Samoan Chief, and he was hysterical. He told jokes, made fun of the guests, sang songs, and amazed us all with some incredible fire dancing. They had mini craft clinics before dinner, where you could learn to make a crown using palm fronds, weave a hat with bamboo leaves, get an airbrushed tattoo, or learn to make fire. The food consisted of a buffet of traditional roast pig, teriyaki steak, chicken, barbecued beef, poi, lomi-lomi salmon (my favorite!), garden salads, macaroni salads, bread and rice. It was delicious! The after dinner entertainment was my favorite part. The show consisted of showing the different types of warrior and women dances from all different Pacific Islands. The dancers were amazing, and obviously very proud of their skills and heritage. They represented Fiji, Samoa, Tonga, New Zealand, and Hawaii, among others. The culmination of the entertainment was the fire dancing. I wish the pictures I took did the dancers any justice. It was unbelievable. They made it look so easy! One guy climbed a palm tree, and using only his feet to hold him up, twirled a baton lit with fire at both ends. I can hardly light a match without burning myself, so I was completely impressed with these guys! We also took a sail on a catamaran and went dolphin watching and then snorkeling. I'd never been snorkeling before, and was pretty nervous, but its amazing. The fish were swimming right around us and weren't scared at all. The only rough part was that the current was unusually strong that day (according to our boat crew) so it took a lot of effort to keep over the reef where the fish were hanging out. But it was awesome anyhow. The dolphin watching was my favorite part (as anyone who knows me would guess). I took about 200 pictures of the dolphins alone. I haven't uploaded the pictures yet, but I'll post a few sometime this week, so you can see how close we were. They swam right up to the boat, and I swear if I wasn't afraid of falling in with my camera, I could have reached right in and touched them. They didn't jump as much as I would have liked, but they did do quite a bit of swimming on their backs and flapping their tails to splash us. It was so cool being so close to them! The best thing about Hawaii, in my opinion, is the brilliant sunsets. they're just phenomenal. I took tons of pictures of those as well, and like the dolphin pictures, I'll post them this week after I've downloaded them off the camera. I spent hours watching the sun glisten off the water, and wondered constantly how anyone could ever voluntarily leave the island. It's just an amazing sight. We came home Friday night, and I spent the next two days hanging out with and catching up with my friends. One of my friends turned 50 last week, and rather than limiting the celebration to just one day, he stretched it into nearly a week. Which meant that I had the chance to be there for the big birthday dinner. Lots of Last Monday night I had a true moment of brilliance when I fell down the last two stairs at Donald's house, and sprained the hell out of my right ankle. It swelled up like a balloon within seconds, and the pain was pretty severe. Thankfully, Donald had crutches from his knee surgery a few years ago, so I've been hobbling around on those for the last week. I went and got x-rays taken, and it's not broken or fractured, which doesn't really make me feel better. I tried walking on it way too soon, and now it's just going to take longer to heal. Not one of my brighter moments. I'll be on crutches for at least another week, and I'm so not happy about it. I hate needing help. I can't carry anything, have trouble opening my own doors, and it takes forever for me to get from point A to point B. It's just so frustrating having to rely heavily on other people for things I used to be perfectly capable of doing myself. The silver lining, I guess, is that my arms are going to be in great shape by the time I'm off the crutches. The insides of them are bruised, but my biceps are starting to get cut. Oh joy! That's my last two weeks in a nutshell. Pictures will be up in the next day or two for your viewing pleasure! Enjoy! |
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