I loathe and despise my upstairs neighbours. (Do not ask me why I use the UK spelling for neighbours. I have no idea, but it’s something I’ve always done without thinking. It’s probably the same part of my brain that says “Bahhston” instead of “Boston”, and ”jahb” instead of “job,” despite being born and raised in Southern California. I’m a mess.) It’s not just because they’re loud, or because I’m certain they stole my phone last year. It’s that they’re just plain disrespectful of other people. They thunder up and down the stairs at all hours of the day and night. We’re not talking just 8am or 10pm, we’re talking 3 or 4 or even 5 in the morning. They vacuum the house at around 4am. They routinely have loud parties until the middle of the night, paying no attention to the warnings from apartment security or even the city police asking them to keep the noise level down. They NEVER say excuse me when they smash into you going up or down the stairs in front of the building. Either you get out of their way, or you get pushed. That’s just how it is. They’re rude and inconsiderate, and they make me not want to be home.

When Jason and I decided to get divorced, I toyed with the idea of moving into a slightly smaller apartment and saving some money. But the pros of staying where I am vastly outweighed the cons. Yeah, my neighbours suck, and I pay a lot more in rent than I could if I moved. But, I live 9 miles from work, right in the center of all my friends and family, and the hundred or two I’d save in rent would be quickly used up in the extra gas I’d use to get to work if I moved farther. So I decided to sign my lease for another year. And now, before my original lease has even expired, I’m regretting it.

I want a house. I’ve wanted one for a very long time. I want a yard for Mia to run in. I want the ability to have walls of color, rather than the plain white of apartment living. I want the silence that comes with no one living above me. I even want the stress of doing my own repairs and not having a maintenance staff to do them for me. I want to have kids, sooner rather than later, and I want a comfortable home for them to grow up in. If I bought a house right now, I’d pay about the same (or even less) as I pay for my rent. It seems like a no brainer, right? Why pay the same for rent as I could for a house? Well, for one, I have zero down payment. The savings I had went to legal fees and reducing the debt I got saddled with in the divorce. I know there are financing programs available for people with no down payment, but it would be SO much easier if I had one. Sadly, I don’t see that happening any time soon. However, with the way the housing market is right now, I don’t want to wait a year for my lease to be up before I buy a house. Heck, if I’m being honest, I don’t want to wait a month before buying a house. It’s something I was quietly researching before Jason and I officially decided we were through (since I knew it was just a matter of time), and now I have (virtually) nothing stopping me from doing it.

Sunday night on the way home from the river, Donald and I stopped by his sister’s house, and it was all I could do to keep my jaw from shattering on the newly poured concrete. It’s massive. Intimidatingly so. And the view is incredible. My apartment would fit in their pool. I’m not even kidding. I spent most of the rest of the way home trying not to cry (or at least trying not to let him see me crying) because I know I’ll never be able to afford that kind of house. I was so overcome with irrational jealousy, it was unbelievable. But the more I thought about it, the more I came to realize that I don’t want a house that big. Yes, it’s gorgeous and the view is phenomenal, and if someone handed it to me mortgage free, I’d snatch it up in a heartbeat. But no house that I’ve ever dreamed of, sketched out, or even drawn in CAD has ever been that big. I want a house that feels cozy, but has enough room for all the people and furniture in it. I want a house that looks lived in, not one out of Architectural Digest. I don’t need 4000 square feet of space, and would be perfectly comfortable with 1500.

I know they always say the grass is always greener on the other side, and maybe that’s true. Maybe I’ll hate owning a home and having to do my own repairs. Maybe I’ll have crappy next door neighbours who throw loud parties until the wee hours of the morning. But I’m really ready to risk it.