Selfish? Yes I am.

This is not a happy post. This is a whiny, pissy, selfish e-tantrum. If you choose not to read it, I don’t blame you. If you choose to continue, don’t blame me. I’ll probably end up deleting this post anyhow.

Tonight (or last night technically, since it’s after 2am) I found out that someone I know is pregnant. And I can’t even pretend to be happy for them. In fact, I’m down right pissed off. This particular woman has health issues and was told after her first child that she shouldn’t have more children. She was told after her second child that she shouldn’t have more children. She was told when she was pregnant with her third child, that it could kill her. She had him anyhow. And now she’s pregnant again. With her FOURTH child. My anger at the stupidity of this pregnancy might be a little more justified if I was concerned for her well being. And I am, to an extent. But more of the anger is of the “Why her and not me?” variety which, if I believed, would certainly cement my place in hell. It’s a completely selfish and cruel thought to have, and yet, I can’t stop it from repeating over and over in my head. Why should a family, who can hardly support the three kids they have, get to have another, and yet I still don’t get to have just one?

Even more selfish is that one of my first thoughts upon hearing the news was “Great. Ours just got pushed back another 4 years. If ever.” The father of this forthcoming child (and all the others) is my husband’s best friend. And I love him (my husband AND the best friend). He’s a wonderful father, a great friend, and just a fantastic person to be around. But I know the extra strain of this child is something that he will gripe to Jas about (as he should since they’re best friends), and it will make Jas think twice about having kids. Same thing happened when they got married. It’s not a happy marriage, and therefore Jas was hesitant to make the same commitment. Then the strain of the first kid started showing up, and suddenly Jas was backing out of our plans for a family. Then as soon as he started talking about it again, they had another. And another. And now another.

I am consumed with an overwhelming jealousy that I can’t shake. And not a good kind of jealousy that allows me to be happy for them at the same time.The last time I was so emotional about having a baby, I was still able to be happy for those who were pregnant, or had just had their kids. This time I’m just angry and irrational. I’m angry at this woman for continuing to have kids when it puts her life in danger, and could potentially leave her kids without a mother. I’m angry at the dad for griping to Jas about their financial problems, and influencing how Jas feels about starting his own family, even though I know they’ve been best friends since they were in second grade and he has a right to tell Jas whatever he wants. I’m angry at Jas for not being adult enough to realize that just because they have problems doesn’t mean we will. I’m angry at myself for being so incredibly selfish and not at all happy about their expanding family. I’m angry that this stupid thing is keeping me from falling asleep. I’m tired of watching everyone else get exactly the family that I want, and that I fear I’ll never get.