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Look! I’m sitting up for an extended period of time! Yay me!
I never thought I’d have to train myself to sit upright. I feel a little stupid saying it too, but it’s absolutely true. I can lounge semi-comfortably, but sitting upright (as you would at a desk or table) puts excess pressure on my incision and swollen insides, and becomes very uncomfortable after a short while. Since I’m planning on trying to go back to work on Monday, I’ve been "training" myself to sit for long periods of time. Of course, it doesn’t help that I’m so exhausted that I need to take a 2-3 hour nap every day, just to be functional. That might throw a wrench into my work plans, but we’ll see how it goes.
I feel better than I did last week, but I don’t know that I can say I feel good. I feel like a Mack truck ran over my stomach, stopped, flipped it into reverse, and then tracked back over my stomach again. I have probably 20% of my muscle strength working for me right now. Simple things like washing my hands are exhausting, and make my stomach hurt. In an effort to protect my tender stomach muscles, I have to sit and stand differently (much like a very pregnant woman would). Yesterday, while pulling myself off the couch, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. Awesome! Now my pain is balanced between my front and back. Oh wait, there’s more. Since it became even more painful to stand, I used my coffee table to brace myself on while attempting to stand up. Except my hand slipped and I slammed my face into the table, and then lay on the floor crying because my stomach/back muscles tensed up when I was falling. Crying, by the way, one of the most painful things you can do with busted stomach muscles. Right up there with sneezing, coughing, and laughing. It took me a good hour to scrape myself off the floor and back onto the couch. I had a HUGE fat lip from hitting the table. I looked like I was pushing my bottom lip out in an over exaggerated pout, but I wasn’t pushing it at all. It was ballooning out there all on it’s own. I can laugh (carefully) about it now, because it’s so ridiculous. Who pulls a muscle while standing up, and then proceeds to give themselves a fat lip mere hours later because they STILL can’t stand properly? Me, ladies and gents.
I will write about the whole hospital "visit" (I love that too, NGS) and procedure on my next attempt at sitting upright. Right now I want to get back to the semi-comfort of laying down and reading the next of the futuristic mystery/romance novels that have become my latest obsession.
Just wanted to let you know I’m ok. I came home Friday from the hospital, and I’m really sore. Sitting at the desktop is impossible, and being on the laptop for more than 15-20 minutes at a time is uncomfortable. I’ll post all the fun details of surgery and recovery when I’m feeling a little more up to it. Thanks to everyone who commented or sent e-mails. I appreciate it!
I’m not freaking out. I’m not having a breakdown. I’m incredibly calm, if I do say so myself. I am, however, STARVING!!! I haven’t had any real solid food since Sunday night. I’ve been living on Aquafina, Vitamin Water, and jello snacks. Two days without real food isn’t that bad, in theory. But when you’re used to eating whenever you want, and when everyone around you is eating, and when there are eateries ALL OVER the place, you really make yourself think you want to eat. That’s the part that’s killing me. But since i got up here in the hotel room, and there’s no food or people eating near me, I’m doing a little better.
Surgery is scheduled for 6:30am or 8am tomorrow, depending on which part of the hospital you ask. All I know is that I need to check in at 5am, and they’ll take me up to the pre-op area. I’m hoping the surgery is at 6:30, as that give me less time to be awake and worrying about everything. My parents and Jas are coming tomorrow morning to say hi, and then they’re hanging out during surgery. Tonight I’m going to the movies with Kevin, so that I can get my mind off of tomorrow’s events. I’m actually surprised that I’m not a crying mess right now. Occasionally my heart starts to pound, and I need to take a deep breath, but that’s it. My stomach might have butterflies, but it’s hard to tell over the hunger pains, and the constant growling. We’re all predicting that I’ll lose about 10 pounds from this liquid diet, coupled with the intestinal cleansing I have to do tonight (I won’t go into that. Just think: Ew.). I’m planning on using this as a clean slate. The caffeine is out of my system, the junk food is out of my system. From here on out, I shall eat healthy foods only. Or at least try a lot harder.
I hung out in Kelly’s hospital room earlier today, and the jackass doctor came in to say hi. He didn’t remember her, didn’t remember Kevin, but remembered me. He asked me if I remembered what he said to me the last time. I was VERY tempted to say “Oh? When you called me a little bit of a fat girl? Yeah I remember,” but I managed to keep my cool and just nod. He reminded me that after surgery I need to watch my weight, and make sure to stay healthy. Kelly said she could see on my face that I wanted to punch him, but that I maintained my composure pretty well. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but I can’t help it. I’ve actually lost weight since the last time I saw him, and still he feels the need to remind me to watch my weight. That bugs me.
On a more serious note, it occurred to me this past week, as I was getting everything settled before I came up here, that people always regret not saying certain things to others while they have a chance. I know this surgery is going to go well. I know that everything is going to be fine, and I have really nothing to worry about. But still I feel the need to get this out. I want to say thanks to all my friends and family who have supported me through this decision to donate my organ as well as throughout my entire life. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without all of you. I can’t name names for fear that I’ll forget someone important, so if you think I’m talking about you, you’re probably right. Whether we’re friends in person, over the phone, or just through the magic of the internet, I can’t tell you how much our friendship means to me. I don’t have a lot of friends, so I am eternally grateful for the ones I have made.
This will be my last post until I’m out of surgery. I don’t know when I’ll have access to the internet again, so it might be a couple days until I’m back. You all know that I’m not a religious person at all, and in fact am an atheist. But I’m not above admitting I might be wrong about things like that. So if you pray, please keep me in your prayers. If you don’t pray, then think happy thoughts for me. It might not make a difference, or it might make a huge difference. I don’t know, but it can’t hurt to try!
Denora – for the last time with 2 kidneys 
One week from today, knock on wood, I will be leaving UCLA and coming home. It’s almost surreal to me. Yesterday I was saying it was one week until major freakin’ surgery. Today? One week until I’m laying on the couch watching crappy TV. Now of course, I could have to stay in the hospital an extra day or two. I probably should assume that’s what will happen, so as not to get disappointed if it does. Either way, the scary part of this thing will be over. And I’ll be able to eat again! Yay!!
Tomorrow is my last day at work. Some of my coworkers gave me some really sweet cards wishing me good luck on surgery. I think I’m going to take them to the hospital with me as sort of a mobile support group. I really love the people I work with. They’ve all been wonderfully supportive. I think it probably helps that they see Kelly every day, and they saw the awesome change that Kevin had after his transplant, and they want that for her. I know I do. Sometimes I wonder if I’d still be going through with this if I didn’t have to see her everyday. If my fear would have overcome my desire to help. Obviously that’s a question I’ll never be able to answer. Most of me thinks I would still do it. But in my darkest moments, during the worst panic attacks, I have my doubts. I guess it’s a good thing I see her every day.
I wish I had something exciting and non-donation related to tell you all about. Oh! My friend is pregnant! Yay! Except my super selfish oh-my-hell I’m a rotten person first reaction was to be jealous, and not happy. That lasted a few seconds, and then I was able to bring on the happy for her. Of course, the jealous came back as soon as I put the phone down. Dammit. I’m trying to remember that everything happens for a reason. That all of my freaking friends (except 1 couple, and they’re trying) have kids (or are currently incubating) and I don’t, for a reason. I cried on the phone with Jas when he told me how happy the couple’s parents were to hear the news. (The Dad-to-be is an old friend of Jason’s, so he actually heard the news before me). Jas either ignored my sniffles, or didn’t hear them. I’m guessing it’s the first one, since we were talking about a friend’s kid last night, and he immediately got silent when I asked him if he’d be the same way with our kid someday. I can’t even start trying to get pregnant for at least 6 months after surgery. By that time Jas should have a full time job, and won’t have an excuse reason for us to wait any longer. I know better than to get my hopes up, though.
I really am happy for my friends. I can have a pity party for me, and still be excited for them. At least I can try.
I have a new obsession. I can’t believe I’m actually telling people, but I’m truly hoping that admitting I have a problem will be the first step to curing it. Try not to judge.
I am addicted to…Big Brother.
I blame Kelly for it. A couple weeks ago when we went to UCLA for the last time, we watched Big Brother while we were in the hotel. I happened to catch it the following Tuesday, and it’s been a train wreck ever since. I just can’t look away. I sit there Sunday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, week after week, exclaiming how my IQ is rapidly dropping, and yet I’ve done nothing to stop it. In fact, the sickness is getting worse. After weeks of maintaining control, and staying away from the online live feeds, I succumbed to their brilliant stupidity last night. THREE HOURS I spent just watching them (and playing Mahjong on Pogo). I was appalled with myself when I realized how long I’d been sitting there watching them. I had dreams that I was in the Big Brother house last night, and when I woke up, the first thing I wanted to do was check the feeds and see if anyone was awake. I refrained, though, as I was already REALLY late for work. Thankfully, the live feeds don’t come through at work, so maybe I can get it off my mind.
I’m a little sickened by this obsession. There are so many other good causes I could be using my energy on, and yet this is what I choose to do.
And now if you’ll excuse me, I have Big Brother forums to read, so I don’t miss anything.
I am surprisingly calm going into this last week of work before surgery. I thought I’d be much more nervous (and trust me, I’m still VERY nervous), but I’m not the freaked out crazy psychopath I thought I would be. Perhaps it comes from getting over being sick, and not really having a lot of energy to expend on being nervous. I’m sure that’s part of it. The other part might be that I have a little better perspective now. I had a long chat via e-mail with Kelly’s cousin Eric about his donation experience (to Kelly’s brother), and he put it into layman’s terms for me. I have a better chance of winning the California Lottery 3 times IN A ROW, than I do of having serious complications from surgery. That may or may not be true, but it really made me feel a lot better about doing this. I mean, I was donating either way, but I’m less nervous than I was before. I’m still not so excited about the preparations for doing it (I’d donate my spleen and perhaps my left arm for a soda right now), but I know that it’ll be an amazing experience, once I get through it.
One week from today begins my 48 hour clear liquid diet. And if that horrifying experience doesn’t make me lose weight, I’m convinced nothing will. I have a date with my favorite restaurant on Sunday night, as a last supper sort of deal. It’ll be my last real food until Thursday at least. That seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me (and I wonder why I’m “a little bit of a fat girl”). I’ve lost weight in the last week, thanks to having no appetite, so the jackass doctor should have nothing to complain about when I check in next week. And if he does, I shall kick him with my fat leg.
I feel like I should be dead, but I’m still here. I stayed home from work yesterday, and slept for 90% of the day. Of course that meant I didn’t sleep much last night, but I do feel a tiny bit better today. My chest isn’t tight anymore, but my head is all plugged up. I’ve been awake all of 4 hours, and I already want to be asleep again. I’ve been guzzling orange juice and water non-stop for the last 4 days. I just downed a can of chicken noodle soup (minus the chicken and the noodles. Do not get me started on the grossness of things floating in my soup), and I’m hoping that will kill whatever is trying to eat me alive.
In case you’re wondering how I feel, this face, compliments of LL’s super cutie son, says it all.
The worst, the absolute worst thing that could happen to me right now is for me to get sick. And guess what? There’s a lovely knot in my chest that’s causing my voice to sound all smoky-sexyish, and also causing a minor cough. But I feel fine! (Yanno, when I try to exclaim that, I sound a little like Minnie Mouse would if she’d been smoking for the past 60 years.) It started yesterday morning. I woke up and it felt a little like someone was gently pushing right on my breastbone. Not an incredible amount of pressure, but just enough to make me feel a little uncomfortable. It wasn’t until I got to work that I realized my voice was half gone. And by half I mean just the upper range. Do, Re, Me, and Fa all work wonderfully. It’s the So, La, Ti and upper Do that are missing from my life.
And now, the freak out. I CAN’T BE SICK!! They’ll cancel surgery if I don’t get better. I know I KNOW I have two weeks to get better. And I can’t remember the last time I was noticeably sick for two weeks straight. But still, why me? If I believed in some form of higher power, I’d be supremely pissed at him/her/it/them right about now. Like I don’t have enough to stress out about, I need a sickness added to it? I’ve had more vitamin C in the last 36 hours than I’ve had in the last 3 months. Which actually works out nicely, since I can’t have soda. I’m drinking OJ like it’s going out of style. I’ve taken Airborne, Vitamin C chews, some Elderberry syrup stuff that’s supposed to help keep me healthy. I refuse to let this get me down. I went to the gym last night and worked out, and I’m going again tomorrow, dammit. I refuse to be sick!
Well this is it. THE Month (hence the new masthead). I can no longer say I’m donating "next" month. It’s here. Up close and personal. Holy hell am I scared. Coincidently, it’s also National Kidney Month and March 13 is World Kidney Day. An entire month (and day) dedicated to spreading the word about Kidney disease, and providing free testing in some cities.
So the timeline for my donation is like this:
- March 3rd – Last day for carbonation. Beginning March 4th I can’t have soda, beer, champagne, or anything with bubbles. No soda for two weeks! That alone might kill me.
- March 8th – Last day for medication. Starting the 9th I can’t have any type of medication. No Advil, Tylenol, cold medicine, nothing.
- March 14th – Last day at work.
- March 17th – Begin 48 hour clear liquid diet. Chicken broth and water for 48 hours. Woohoo!
- March 19th – Hospital Check-in & Surgery.
After that, things are a little up in the air. Provided everything goes well in surgery, I should be released sometime within 24 to 48 hours. I can’t drive for a week or so after surgery, so that part is going to suck. At least I’ll have plenty of time to keep up on my blogging! The last time I had surgery, I went home the same day. I’ve never stayed the night in the hospital, so that part is a little scary (on top of the whole terrifying removal of an organ thing). Kelly will be in there for 5 or 6 days, so I suppose I should stop my whining. I’m trying to remind myself that worrying about the surgery won’t change anything. UCLA has one of the best transplant programs in the nation, so I should have nothing to worry about. Yes, there is the possibility of complications, but nothing they can’t handle, I’m sure. Logically, I understand that. Emotionally, I’m still a wreck. My plan is to keep busy over the next couple weeks. Extra trips to the gym, more time out with my friends, and lots of shopping for comfy post-surgery clothes. Like I said, I’ve never stayed overnight in the hospital, so if anyone has any suggestions on what I should bring (in case my stay is longer than one night) I’d be greatly appreciative.
16 days and counting…
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