My first appointments for second stage kidney donation testing are next Tuesday. They’d originally told me that it would probably be 2 to 3 weeks before I could get an appointment. I guess they were just kidding! I have 5 days to prepare for the beginning. My second appointments (there are 2 each time I drive up there) are scheduled for January 3rd. But it’s good that this is going so quickly. It’s less time for me to panic about it (though I’m becoming a champion speed panicker), and it means Kelly will get her new kidney quickly. I admit I’m really nervous. But it’s weird, because I’m more nervous about the pre-surgery testing than I am about the surgery. I’m afraid that not only will they reject me as a donor, but they’ll find something else wrong with me in the process. I realize that’s not likely, but it’s a thought I can’t seem to get out of my head. I spent a while today talking with Kevin (Kelly’s brother) and Eric (Kevin’s cousin, who donated his kidney to Kevin in October) abut the tests and surgery and after care. It’s actually a bigger deal in my head than it is in real life. Eric was very cool about giving it to me straight. Parts of it will suck (the 48 hour pre-surgery liquid only diet, the major post-surgery bloating from the CO2 they pump you with, the aches and pains) but it’s been almost two months, and he says if not for the scars, he’d never know he did it. I’ve done a ton of research on kidney donation, but hearing the real deal from someone who’s actually gone through it was a lot more comforting than reading facts and figures online.

In other news, I’m joining a gym tomorrow. I’m going to work with a personal trainer to lose the weight that I can’t get myself to lose. I lost some, gained some, lost more, gained more, gained more, gained more. I’ve gone back to only drinking water, and eating as many vegetables as I can get my hands on. But without working out, it’s all for naught. I need to lose 10 pounds to get back under the "obese" line that the BMI arbitrarily marks off. It won’t be too hard, as I’ve done it before. But this time I need to do it quicker, so I’m going to get help. I hate the gym. I hate feeling like everyone is looking at me and silently mocking the "fat girl." Irrational? Yes, since no one in there could possibly give a damn what I look like or what I’m doing there, but that’s my insecurity rearing it’s ugly head. I’ll start slow at the gym, so I’m not dying by the time I get to bowling. This weekend (thanks to the fabulous coupon sites y’all sent me) I’m going shopping for ONLY healthy food. If Jas wants junk, well he can store it in his car. It’s a well documented fact that I have no willpower, so I’m going to make sure there’s nothing in the house to tempt me. We’ll see how long that lasts.