I have nothing interesting to say today. I’ve been sitting here staring at this blank screen for 10 minutes, and absolutely nothing is coming to me! Alas, there is hope! Since this is NaBloPoMo and all, some of the better bloggers have been giving prompts, to help us little peons make our goal of one post a day. So today’s prompt is courtesy of Miss Zoot. I could have taken one of the easier prompts she’s put out this month, but this one just seemed to fit my mood. And really, if I’m gonna do this, why do it the easy way, eh?
From her NaBloPoMo profile:
People like to post about their proudest moments. Or the things that define them. The good things they’ve done. I would like, instead, to know what are you ashamed of? What attitude have you had that you are NOT proud of? What decision have you made that kinda sucked? What time did you behave in a way you knew you shouldn’t? What time were you a bitch? An ass? Are jerk? Or all of the above?
Today, I’m here to confess that I’m a terrible friend, and that I’m ashamed of it. I don’t call when I should. I don’t return e-mails when I should. I hesitate to make plans with people I call friends, because I would rather stay home by myself. And then I have the audacity to bitch about how I have no friends I hang out with! I’ve been doing a lot of introspection, recently, and this is one of the things about myself that I was the most upset with. And it changes today.
I have a friend that I’ve known since we were both in junior high. We were pretty good friends in high school, and then we lost touch for a couple years. I heard about how she was doing through the grapevine, but it wasn’t until about 3 years ago that we started talking again. We kept in touch better this time, and she was one of my bridesmaids in 2005. We’d call or e-mail every couple weeks, just to check in and that worked for us. Last year, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was 26 at the time, and was forced to have a double mastectomy, chemotherapy, and radiation. At 26! I remember exactly the day she told me about the cancer. I didn’t know what to say. The old "everything will be fine" seemed trite and shallow. Because really, I had no idea if everything would be ok. I know I WANTED everything to work out fine, but if I had control of such things, she never would have had cancer in the first place. I cried when I hung up the phone with her. I felt so helpless and useless. And then I sorta stopped calling. My mom and her mother-in-law are very close friends, so I got steady updates on her surgeries, and chemo. But I didn’t call. I e-mailed a couple times, telling myself she could answer e-mails when she felt like it, and that a phone call was intrusive and would wake her, or take her away from her husband or daughter. I saw her a week or two after she finished Chemo, and to me, she looked great. I’ll admit I was a little afraid of seeing her, because I’d seen far too many movies/television shows with cancer patients having completely shriveled up and looking horrible. But she looked awesome! The only difference was that she wore a scarf on her head, instead of having hair. I berated the hell out of myself after seeing her, because I’d been scared of nothing. I’ve seen her a couple times since she finished radiation, and she still looks great. But whenever we get in touch, be it e-mail or a phone call, she’s the one that reaches out now. I hate myself for letting my fear and ignorance get in the way of our friendship. I should have been there for her, babysitting or bringing over food, or just being around to talk to. She recently had a birthday, and yet another surgery. I finally reached out and sent her an e-mail (because I was still too chicken to call), and she didn’t answer. And you know what? I didn’t blame her. All this time she’d been making the effort, just to have me drop the ball. I deserved what I was feeling. It’s completely possible that she didn’t get the e-mail, or didn’t have the time to respond before the surgery, and I understand that. But if I were a good friend, I would have followed with a phone call. And I didn’t.
I’m changing that right now. Today I become a better friend. Today I apologize to her for not being there. While I realize I can’t make up for the past, I can certainly fix the future. I can apologize to all my friends for all the times I didn’t call, or write, or reach out. I’m sorry. I love you guys, and I hope you can forgive me.
To my friend who I let down in her time of need: Sorry doesn’t begin to fix what I’ve done. I love you, and I hope that you can forgive me for this. I promise I am changing this today.