Baby Babbling

I can’t get having a baby out of my head. I want one more than anything. I can’t explain why, either. It’s just something I feel. I see other parents with their kids, and I want to cry, because I don’t have that. It’s even worse when I see Jason with our friend’s kids. He’s so great with them, and I want more than anything for us to have our own family. I want to see him that happy and cute with our kids. It’s got to the point where TV shows, movies, and commercials sometimes make me teary eyed. Amy just posted a beautiful montage video of her son Noah, and I cried like crazy while watching it. I thought you were supposed to get emotional AFTER you got pregnant!

I’ve been wanting with a baby for a while now. Before we got married, we’d talked about starting a family in January of 2006. Then it got pushed back to late fall. Then it was pretty much postponed all together. It’s a touchy subject in our house. It seems harder for me to deal with now, because a lot of my friends are currently pregnant, or just had a baby. Heidi’s son is a year, and Mandy is trying to get pregnant now. Helen and Jamie both had daughters in September. Dana is due in December, Heather in February. I’m SO excited for all of them. I really am. But I can’t help but be super jealous. Not jealous like I wish them unhappiness. Jealous like I’m missing out on everything.

I was trying to sorta stop myself from thinking these things, so I went looking for information to scare me away from being pregnant. Now, I was fairly terrified of being pregnant already. I always have been. I want very much to be a mom, but I’d like to skip that whole being pregnant and giving birth part. (I’m totally up for adoption. Jas, however, is not.) Part of my fear is just generally being afraid of hurting the baby while I’m pregnant, or something bad happening during birth. The other part is a little less stupid. Jason was 14 lbs and 23-1/2" when he was born. 14lbs!! That’s twice the national average! His mom is slightly insane. She had him naturally. As in not a C-section. The doctor had to BREAK HER PELVIS to get him out. All of the muscles in and around there were torn up. He had to spend 5 months in the NICU because his lungs were underdeveloped for his size. His dad had to go home and get the clothes that his 18 month old brother was wearing, because the newborn stuff didn’t fit. Jas is now 6’5" and 280lbs. So yeah, having Jason’s child is a little intimidating. If that wasn’t bad enough, I was 10lbs when I was born. If you average the two of us, that’s a 12lb kid I’d be squeezing out. That’s not a kid, that’s a Thanksgiving turkey!

All of that should scare me, right? And it used to. But I’m not that scared anymore. I want this more than anything. I’ve been reading "mommy blogs" non-stop, just to live vicariously. That’s probably hurting me more than helping me, however. I want to BE those women. I want to be writing a "mommy blog" instead of whining about how much I want to be a mommy. (Of course, I’d then lose all two of you who actually read this.)

We spent a few hours in the ER the other night, and there were several moms in there with their kids. Instead of wishing I wasn’t there at all, I wished I was there for my child. (Not that I wish my child needed to be in the ER, but … oh you know what I mean.) We’re supposed to have another talk about family planning sometime next week, and I can’t come up with good reasons to do so. Jas is hesitant because of how much it’ll cost us. I think we’ll be able to have a baby just fine if we alter our priorities. No more buying computer gadgets for me. No more buying baseball cards for him. We don’t need to eat out all the time. We don’t need a huge expensive vacation every year. We can do this. The other thing he wants is for me to stay home with the baby. And part of me wants that too. But the other part loves my job, and thinks that I can do both with no problem.

If we wait until Jas is making enough money to support both of us AND a baby, I’ll be 65 before I have kids. That’s not a slam on Jason, that’s just reality. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say "If you wait until you’re ready, you’ll never have kids." I’m tired of waiting. I want to expand my family. I want to not cry at commercials of gorgeous children, or videos of kids I’ve never met. I want to cry because my own baby is beautiful, and watching Jas with our child is just a magical thing. I want to be able to find the words to explain to my husband that this isn’t just a temporary phase that’ll go away if ignored. I’m ready for this. This is something I’ve thought hard about. Examined every angle of. This isn’t going to be a walk in the park, I know. There are budget crunches, sleepless nights, smelly diapers, screams you don’t know what to do about, moments of terror, infinite fears and worries. But the positives completely outweigh the negatives. This will be our baby. Our child. It’s absolutely a challenge I want to take on. I’m ready for this. I know I am.