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The Feeds

2012 Wrap Up

Well, here we are again.  I did this in and 2008,  2009, and 2010.  I skipped 2011, but I wanted to do it again this year.

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before? I ran a 10K, I signed up for a half marathon, I bowled the National Bowling tournament, and my team and I took 1st place in the Citrus Belt Women’s Tournament.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t make new year’s resolutions. I figure anything worth resolving to do is worth resolving right then, and not waiting for the year to start.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not this past year, but in the last month, 9 people I know have announced pregnancies. So 2013 should be the year of the baby!

4. Did anyone close to you die? Donald’s grandmother passed away, but I’d never met her.

5. What countries did you visit? I didn’t travel outside the US this year, but I did go to Denver for the first time.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? I’m hoping 2013 will be the year of the baby for me too.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? July 23, September 22 (my first 10K)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Doing a 5K each month, completing my first 10K, bowling my first 800 series

9. What was your biggest failure? Happily, the only thing I really feel like I failed at was blogging more. In the grand scheme of things, I’m really ok with that being my biggest failure this year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing major

11. What was the best thing you bought? I can’t think of any one thing. I love my desk we bought this year. I guess that’ll be it.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? I have some amazingly fabulous friends. I won’t list them, for fear of leaving someone out, but they know who they are.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Too many people to name. 2013 will also be year of reevaluating relationships for me.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills and vacations.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I loved our Denver trip, and I got some gifts I really love.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012? “No Diggity by Blackstreet. I must have sung it a thousand times.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? I’m gonna estimate I’m about the same level of happiness as last year.
b) thinner or fatter? I weigh exactly the same today as I did a year ago, to the pound. But I’m in much better shape now than I was.
c) richer or poorer? How about less in debt. That’s more accurate.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I’d run more, even though I ran a lot. I also wish I’d cross trained a lot more.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Been lazy. There are a lot of things I wish I’d accomplished that didn’t get done from my spot on the couch.

20. How did you spend Christmas? We went to my parent’s house in the morning, saw a movie mid-day and then went to Kathy & JG’s house for Donald’s family Christmas.

21. Did you fall in love in 2012? Yep!

22. What was your favorite TV program? I loved NCIS LA, Suits, Smash, and parts of Covert Affairs.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I really try not to hate anyone. It’s too much energy to waste.

24. What was the best book you read? I loved Divergent and Insurgent. I read a lot of other good ones, but those pop out first.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? A capella music. I now have an entire Pandora station devoted to it. I love it!

26. What did you want and get? Better at bowling, better at running

27. What did you want and not get? A baby. I’m not giving up yet!

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Pitch Perfect. Yes, I realize my taste is questionable. But that movie made me SO happy. I loved it.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 33 this year, and had dinner with my husband, my sister, my aunt, my grandma, Manny, my wife, and my not-so-husband-in-law at Slater’s 50/50.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Staying pregnant would have been fabulous, but I can’t go back and change that. I also wish I would have done a little better at some of my races.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012? I’m still living in jeans, most of the time, but my shirts aren’t just t-shirts anymore. And I wear more skirts in the summer now.

32. What kept you sane? Talking things out helped. I’m working on not bottling things up too much. So talking about my issues rather than ignoring them has kept me somewhat sane.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I don’t pay a ton of attention to celebrities. I can’t think of a single one that I “fancied” this year.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? Gay Marriage. I still don’t understand how this is even an issue. I’m so happy that things are starting to get better, at least in some states.

35. Who did you miss? Lots of people. I need to work on staying in touch better

36. Who was the best new person you met? I can’t think of anyone I met this year, but I’ve become better friends with a lot of people I already knew.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012: I am stronger than I think I am. I can do much more than I thought I could.

Fail.

Well that was a spectacular failure, wasn’t it? I posted exactly once of the 30 times I was supposed to post. I did better with the running, but I didn’t make my 100 mile goal either. I took a couple days off when I got sick, and a couple more days off when my knee pain was more than I could bear, and suddenly I’d gone 2 weeks without running. I am very disappointed in myself, but I’m not quitting. I’m still training (albeit less aggressively thanks to the aforementioned knee pain) for my half marathon, and really looking forward to it.

I’ve also started planning my 2013 running events calendar, and I’m really excited to try more half marathons as well as continuing to do the 5K’s with my friends. There’s a California Half Marathon Series that I want to try to run a few of this year, and I’m going to try and do at least one of the Rock ‘n’ Roll Half Marathons as well. I’ve also already signed up for the Hot Chocolate 5K and the Neon Run, both in San Diego. The shorter distances are fun and remind me why I like to run. The half marathons keep me in shape, and don’t let me slack off too much, for fear I won’t finish. I have no desire to run a marathon, ever, so I plan on keeping my calendar peppered with half marathons as motivation to stay in good shape.

Running is always fun with more people. Anyone want to come join me?

Pile on the Posts and Miles

Today is November 1, which means it’s the beginning of National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo), as well as the beginning of Pile on the Miles, both of which I’m participating in this year.

It’s not my first stab at NaBloPoMo, but it’ll be a challenge to write every day, since I’m not used to it. (And let’s face it. Writing every month has been a challenge for me). But I have some life list items I need to tell you about, and some other fun stories from my running events that I’d like to share. I think I might be able to pull this off and get back into the swing of this blogging thing!

Pile on the Miles is a new one for me, and I’m extremely excited about it. It’s basically a challenge to put on more miles instead of pounds during the holiday season. All walking or running miles count (no bikes or elipitcals), and there are prizes to be won (on the official page). My personal goal is to log 100 miles for the month of November. Since there’s little chance I’m going to win one of the official prizes, I’m rewarding myself at the end of every week, provided I obtain my goal.

For accountability’s sake, here’s my plan:

November 1st-3rd = 12 miles

November 4th-10th = 25 miles

November 11th-17th = 25 miles

November 18th-24th = 25 miles

November 25th -Dec 1 = 25 miles

Yes, basic math says that’s more than 100 miles, but 100 miles is my minimum. I’m honestly hoping to do a bit more than that, but between vacations and holidays and time off from work, I think 100 miles is a decent number to strive for. At the end of each week, I get a little treat that I normally wouldn’t allow myself. So if I log 12 miles by Saturday, I get a Coldstone treat. I’ve yet to determine my rewards for the longer weeks, but they’ll be of the same variety. Maybe a night out to Buca di Beppo (my favorite restaurant), or some new running clothes. Whatever it is, it’ll be worth the effort it took to earn it!

The dichotomy of this month is interesting to me. I’m pledging to run/walk 100 miles, while at the same time pledging to sit at my computer at least once a day and blog about my life. I’m hoping I can do both equally well, but if one has to give? You’ll find me out hitting the pavement 4-5 times a week. Come join me!

I was, and then I wasn’t

I woke up early on a Tuesday morning to go out running. On a whim, I grabbed a pregnancy test on my way to the bathroom. My cycles have never been normal, but we’d been trying and I figured it couldn’t hurt to check.

When the second pink line popped up 10 seconds later, I started shaking. Violently. Holy shit, I’m pregnant. It took us two years to get that second pink line and I was racked with terror.

I woke Donald up to tell him the news. He was excited. I was still shaking.

I went to the doctor that day to confirm. Yep. Still pregnant.

I’ve always been afraid of being pregnant. Honestly, I want a baby, I want to be a mom, but I do not want to be pregnant. It terrifies me, and I’m sorry, but there’s nothing anyone is ever going to be able to say to me that will make me feel better about it. Irrational fear, I’m all about it.

That week we told our parents and our sisters. I told a couple of my closest friends. It was early, too early to be telling anyone. But we were so excited.

I felt fine. Exhausted, but fine. No morning sickness, no outward signs of being pregnant. Just tired to my bones. But I’m always tired, so that didn’t surprise me.

I spotted a little. Totally normal, they said. Scary to me, but I had to trust the doctor. I didn’t feel pregnant, but I had to trust the doctor.

7 days later, I started cramping. Badly. Donald was in the area, so I met him for lunch. It got so bad that I had to leave and go home. I called the doctor panicked. They sent me for a blood test and said if things got worse to go to the ER. Donald met me at the lab, and followed me home. We headed for the ER later when the bleeding wouldn’t stop.

I knew. I knew then that it was over. I just needed proof.

We spent 4.5 hours in the ER. They drew blood, did ultrasounds.

Confirmed. Miscarriage.

I was broken. I couldn’t stop crying. How could this happen? What did I do wrong? Why?

I sent texts letting my inner circle know. I called my parents. I wanted to get all the telling over with.

I apologized to Donald. Repeatedly. For breaking down, for losing the baby, for everything. I’m so sorry.

The doctor took me off work for the week. I needed time to heal.

I didn’t sleep. I blamed myself.

I read every available article on miscarriage. I wanted an answer to the one question I’ll never have an answer to. Why?

I pulled away from my friends. I didn’t want to talk about it. And yet, it’s all I could think about.

And then hours started to pass before I’d think about it again. Then days. And I felt guilty. Guilty not because I thought it was my fault, I know it wasn’t, but guilty because I wasn’t thinking about it anymore.

The week I was supposed to have my first ultrasound was hard on me. I was depressed and borderline suicidal. The following week I had a check up with my doctor to make sure I was healing ok. It was the first time I’d met him, since I always saw his nurse practitioners in the past. He spent exactly 47 seconds in the room examining me and then rushed back out declaring I’m fine and feel free to try again. (The lack of caring, or even PRETENDING to care has caused me to look for a new doctor.)

Physically, I’m ok. My body is doing it’s thing just as it had in the past. Mentally, I’m almost there. I’m terrified of trying again. Terrified of going through all of it again. I know it happens and people go on to get pregnant and have delightfully healthy babies. I know that if I hadn’t been watching my cycle so closely, I might never  have known I was pregnant in the first place. Knowing all that helps the rational part of my brain. The emotional side? She’s not interested in your facts and figures, thanks. She only knows that what she went through was awful and she never wants to experience that again.

I’ll be ok. It’s been a few months and I can talk about it now to people who didn’t know then. It hurts still, but every day is a little easier.

Tomorrow will be better.

 

I’m posting this because it helped me heal to write it, and I want others to know that they’re not alone in this. Reading other women’s experiences has helped me immeasurably  and I hope someday I can help someone else feel just a little less alone.

Love and Hate

I hate running. I hate waking up early in the morning. I hate that drop of sweat that slides down my back, making me itchy. I hate the chafing. I hate the heat and humidity. I hate the jelly legs when I’ve finished a long run. I hate the exhaustion. I hate feeling like my heart is going to pop out of my chest. I hate having to talk myself into running another mile. I hate not being able to sleep in another 2 hours. I hate feeling like a failure when I skip a day of training. I hate that it’s too hot to run in the afternoon or at night. I hate running alone.

Dear Ladies,

I see you two every time I run. We take the same path around the park, in opposite directions. You have shiny pants with perfectly matching zip up sweatshirts and a coordinating tank top. Your hair has a coordinating ribbon or headband, every day. You look like an ad for track clothes, rather than an ad for actual exercise. The sidewalk that I run on and that you walk on will easily accommodate 3 people for 90% of the path. I know this because I have walked with 2 other women on it, and we had plenty of room. The other 10% of the path? 4-5 people wide. Plenty of room for all of us in the 0.5 seconds that we’re in the same place. Why then am I always being forced to run in the mud or out on the street? Why is it that you cannot take a half step to the side, and leave me a small space to stay on the sidewalk? I cannot tell you how tempted I am to just run into you, crashing my shoulder into yours because you would not give me the courtesy of a few inches. But I’m a better person than that. I don’t want to hurt anyone, much less hurt myself or break the rhythm I’ve tried so hard to maintain while I run. But consider yourself warned. If your actions do not change, my water bottle might remain open, and I might squeeze too hard as I pass you. Purely on accident, of course.

Love, Denora.

***

I love running. I love the feeling of accomplishment when I’ve had a good run. I love how skinny my workout shorts make me look. I love the adrenaline rush at the beginning of a race. I love the time to think about nothing. I love feeling good at the end of a run I didn’t think I’d make it through. I love pushing myself just a little bit farther every day. I love watching the sun rise as I run around the park. I love how my calves look. I love the progress I make. I love the silence of 5am. I love running alone.

Dear Couple,

I see you two every time I run. We take the same path around the park, in opposite directions. You have a pretty black lab that I always want to stop and pet. I always seem to meet you just before the top of the biggest hill, at the end of my fourth mile, right about when I want to die. Every day you smile and say good morning. Every morning you encourage me, telling me I’m almost there, or that I’m doing a good job, or you remind me to breathe deep. You are a large chunk of the reason I make it up that hill. Those small words mean so much to me. It’s a great feeling knowing that someone is rooting for you, whether it’s someone you know or not. You are a bright spot in my mornings, and I’ve found I look forward to our quick 2 second exchange. Thank you for that.

Love, Denora

Mia Monday!

The Mia recently turned 9. In honor of that occasion, she got a hamburger all to herself for dinner. I have exactly one picture of her that is not blurred in her effort to inhale the burger before we took it away (which is why I only give her half the burger at a time.)

Happy Birthday Mia!

Change of Mind

It sometimes catches me off guard how much my thought process has changed as I’ve tried getting healthier. It’s easy to see the physical differences, but I didn’t realize how much my mind has changed as well.

Example 1:

Last Friday my tire blew out on the freeway. I was fine and thanks to AAA‘s excellent roadside assistance, on my way home less than 25 minutes after the tire blew. But Saturday I needed to go get new tires, obviously. The tire place is just over a mile from the house, and it was supposed to be in the mid 90′s all day. Not too long ago, I would have tried to get someone to take me home, rather than just walking the mile home. That thought didn’t even cross my mind on Saturday. After dropping off my car, I walked over to Kohl’s and bought some more running shirts, and since I wanted ice cream I walked another mile down the hill to Wienerschnitzel to get lunch because they have a Tastee Freez (it’s not SUPER healthy, but I get plain dogs so it’s not that bad). I ended up not getting ice cream after all (score one for health!), walked back up the hill to stop in at Max Muscle for some protein powder, and then I went back home. All told, I walked 3 miles in 91 degree heat up and down the hill. Oh, this is all after I did a 5 mile run/walk with Kim in the morning. I logged 8+ miles before 1pm in the heat, and didn’t complain once!

 

Example 2:

I get lots of e-mails from Active.com with free registrations to races, discounts on clothing or gear, or articles that I should read. Yesterday morning I got an e-mail with a free registration to the She Runs Retreat in San Diego. I’d never heard of it before, so I clicked through to the website and was immediately intrigued. It’s a conference, basically, for female runners. They have lectures on a wide range of subjects including nutrition and fueling, proper form, body composition, minimizing injuries, and proper training for 5Ks, 10ks, 1/2 marathons, or marathons. I was sold on that alone, but they also have a night run with glow sticks, yoga for runners, plyometrics and strength training, and Zumba. The retreat also includes a 5K (or 1/2 marathon) at a beautiful park. I’ve become a little OCD about training for the 10K and 1/2 marathon I have coming up, and to me this looks like a great way to get more information on how to run well, rather than just run. And since the e-mail gives me a free registration, I’m seriously thinking about going.

I’m thinking about going to a conference on running. WHO AM I?

 

It’s even easier to pick out the little ways I’ve changed things. I don’t drink soda as often, choosing water instead. If we eat out, I almost always order from the “Light” menu. I rarely snack between meals. I park farther from wherever I’m going so I can get some extra steps in. I’d rather take the stairs than the elevator/escalator option. Most of these I don’t even think about anymore. It’s just a natural decision, and I love it.

Mia Monday!

 

The tongue, y’all. The farther out of her mouth, the more tired she is.

The Life List – Part 4

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

  • Try all types of Bowling: Tenpin, Ninepin, Fivepin, Duckpin, and Candlepin – It’s no secret that I love bowling, so I want to expand my horizons and try all 5 major types.
  • Get my name in the credits of a movie – I know someone with his name in the credits of a movie, and I thought, why not?
  • Own my own business – I’ve thought about this a great deal lately, but I can’t find something I’m passionate enough about to start my own business. Unless I can somehow have a Bejeweled Blitz store?
  • Bake fresh bread once a week for a year – I’ve baked fresh bread on a number of occasions, and it seems like there are very few smells that make me as happy as freshly baked bread.
  • Take pictures with all of my friends - While trying to fill my picture frames with pictures, I discovered that I have very few shots of me with the people I love. I’m fixing that.
  • Make ice cream from scratch – For years I’ve wanted an old fashioned ice cream maker, or at the very least, the ice cream attachment that goes with my mixer. How awesome would it be to make your own ice cream?
  • Learn how to play softball & play for a full season – A good portion of my friends play softball together once a week, and it sounds like so much fun. I, however, have never played softball and have no idea how different it is from baseball. I used to be athletic once, and I think I might actually have a chance at being decent. Of course, I’d have to get on a team that’s ok with not winning, because there’s also a good chance I’ll suck.
  • Have a signature dish that’s requested at family or friend events – You all know someone who makes that one dish that people love (Donald’s is Spinach Dip, for some weird reason). I want to have one of those dishes. Of course, that means I’ll have to let other people taste my food…maybe this wasn’t a great idea.
  • Attend a taping of Craig Ferguson’s show – I love him. LOVE. I only wish he was on earlier so I could enjoy him more often. He’s just hilarious, once you learn to understand the accent.
  • Host a Beans tournament in my backyard, complete with food and prizes – Beans is a bean bag toss game that’s popular amongst my group of friends (also called Cornhole, but Beans sounds nicer). It can get quite competitive, depending on who plays (you know who you are), but it’s a whole lot of fun.
  • Train for and run a half marathon - I don’t know why I got it in my head that I could do this, but even if I tried and fail, and least I tried, right?
  • Visit Australia - It’s so beautiful there. Every picture I’ve seen is amazing, and I’d love to experience that in person.
  • Bowl a 300 - The most popular of bowling achievements, the perfect game is something every bowler dreams of. Someday I’ll have one.
  • Bowl an 800 – Harder to get than a 300, an 800 requires near perfection in all 3 games in a series. I know lots of people who have several 300′s but never have bowled an 800.
  • Get Scuba certified – I’ve been snorkeling in Hawaii and Jamaica and I absolutely loved it. I want to try the next step and go scuba diving!
  • Be conversational in American Sign Language – I have long loved sign language, and I really want to take classes again.
  • Fly first class – I hate flying. HATE it. But it’s required if I want to go anywhere fun, so I suck it up. I think sucking it up in first class would be nice, don’t you?
  • Throw a dinner party – I like to cook. I hate to cook for other people. I’m always so terrified it’s going to suck and people will hate it. I need to get over that. This goal is attainable. Probably.
  • Attend a Symphony – It’s not much of a secret that I love classical music. Piano pieces are my favorite, but I’d love to get all dressed up fancy to go see a full symphony in concert.
  • Become debt free – I wouldn’t say I’m a careless spender, but due to some unfortunate circumstances, I racked up a lot of credit card and student loan debt. I’d love to pay that off someday and not have it hanging over my head anymore.
  • Donate bone marrow to someone in need – I’ve already donated an organ. Why not some bone marrow too?
  • Start a scrapbook for my running events – My friends are really good about taking pictures at our events, and I’d love to put them together into a keepsake that I can keep at home.
  • Design and host a scavenger hunt for my friends – This came up as an idea for a birthday party last year, and I loved the thought of it.

Getting Updated

It’s been so long since I’ve written on a regular basis, I’m now filled with things to say. A lot of my posts will be about things I did while I was on my hiatus, and I hope you’ll still enjoy hearing about them so long after they’ve happened. I also have some Life List items to tell you about (I crossed some things off, and added some more), in addition to just keeping up on what’s going on in my day to day life. Rather than apologize before every post on how late I am to the party, I’m getting it out of the way now. Accept my apology please?

Mia won’t talk to you until you do.